"Everything you give is yours."
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 16. Jun 2007 06:12 AM
Hi Diary and everybody out there,
here's another memory.
When I was in Canada, the video store was our best friend. We managed it somehow to come through the days, but the evenings were tough. I would have had plenty ideas for a young couple to spent some "quality time" together, like going out ("no money") or cooking together ("naaah. Let's just order some chinese stuff"), but as you see, none of my ideas was appreciated. So we usually ordered some food or bought sandwiches from subway and went next door to the video store to rent some life savers for the next evenings.
We saw "Everything is illuminated" and "The red violin" and "The omen" and "Inside man" and "Weather man" and "Butterfly effect II" - and these are just the ones I remember. On one of our first days we bought a boardgame. We thought it would be a good idea. It took a whole afternoon to learn it - it was in french and he let read the instructions. On some evenings I could persuade him to play with me - instead of being absorbed by his new PC game, something about outer space, with aliens and planets and spaceships.
(He played it for days, and when he didn't play it, he read in the bulky handbook. He made some attempts to share his excitement, but for me it seemed to be just a way to escape from reality - and from me. He even tried to buy a game for me - I like "The Sims" - , but unfortunately there were no Macintosh games available)
We sat in the kitchen at the table with our boardgame, and the taste of chocolate cookies and wasabi peas mixed with the smell of his joint and our cigarettes. We played mostly in silence, concentrated, determined as if it was hard work. What had just happened to the fun of being together?
Sometimes we capitulated and went to bed early, at 8 PM. We hid under the duvet, hoping that the storm of despair would stream over and leave us alone this time. In these quiet moments in the dark of his sleeping room, we could be close. Whispered apologies and explications: "I'm so sorry that I can't take all you want to give me. But please give me what I can take. And don't be sad. Everything you give is yours. You never lose it."
And I gave him what he could take. I just layed my warm hand on his belly or I pet his back. Sometimes we wrote short messages on eachother's back, just with the fingertip, and one had to guess what the other one had written. We always chose inside jokes that were easy to guess. (He would for example write "little diva" and I would write "stinky hat". But that's two other stories.)
That was all he could take.
"I feel your energy" I whispered. "And I feel yours." he said. It is true. I had always felt as if I had a kind of radar for him and his feelings. When we arrived in Santiago and he did the extra-walk to the "end of the world", I felt him disappear. I felt every single kilometer he walked away from me as a painful loss, and I thought "How will I ever survive being separated from him?"
(In these days in Spain I was reading a book about conjoined twins and their intensive conjoined feelings, and I liked the metaphor seeing us as a kind of conjoined twins - at least in our souls.)
Anyway. Back to the here and now. I'm wondering if all the focusing on the bad memories has side effects? Don't worry, Kimberly - I'm seeing a Psychotherapist every week. Sometimes I wish I could see her every other day.
Aside from all the crying I have set my life in motion. I know that I have to find a job. The week after next week I'll work in an advertising agency in swiss as a kind of test run. I also have given my portfolio to a headhunter for advertising creatives. She'll make contact with some advertising agencies who are searching an ad writer. It really happens. My life will change. It's a strange feeling - not really at home here anymore - but not yet at home somewhere else. But it's not uncomfortable. Sometimes I can even enjoy the excitement. I think I need the change. It's high time.
I don't know what's wrong today. I had some really relaxed, good days lately, being proud of myself, digesting the past, enjoying the good things, feeling "useful and needed" and just right and alive.
But this morning I woke up, knowing that I'll have nothing to do for the whole day, and knowing there will be a whole lonesome weekend after, and that somehow scared me. It's so stupid. I KNOW that I can spend time on my own and I even like it - but when I'm depressed all the "shoulds" come back: You should not be alone. You should do something useful with your time. It's a pity - two days ago I found it useful to play SNOODOKU on my computer for hours, and I enjoyed it!!!
Love,
Luise