An eye-opening therapy session
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 1. Jun 2007 07:05 AM
Hi Diary and everybody out there,
I have been feeling stuck in my psychotherapy for a couple of weeks. We've been working hard, and I have learned a lot, but I was still very depressive. It seemed not to work for me.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist, and I understood something fundamental about how to recover:
I can think for ages about the reasons of my depression, I can remember the bad times and what bad people have done to me a million times, I can think about what would be good to overcome my depression, I can teach myself to think more positively, but none of all would change my situation if I don't change my situation!!!
It's not enough to NOTICE what's going wrong - I have to take care of it. Physically, directly, not in my mind, not in my thoughts - with my hands, my feet, my voice.
I have been trying to change my life for almost 2 years now, but I cheated myself: I wanted to change my life without changing anything. It's like trying to lose weight without changing your eating habits. It doesn't work. I have been dreaming of a different life without taking the steps to reach it.
Since I'm working as a freelancer I am afflicted with loneliness - not because I'm so unfriendly or unloveable, but because I spend my whole working days alone at home. One of my most important goals is to get connected with people again. That means in fact: find a job. No: Complete your portfolio, apply for a job, talk with a headhunter what she can do for you. I've been knowing this for two years. And I'm still here, bored to death with my lonesome freelance job. So will I go for it this time? Yes. I think I have to promise this to myself - for the sake of my wellbeing. I can't ignore my needs anymore.
It's almost a bit exciting.
Today was the first morning I woke up without this terrible morning low I used to have since a couple of weeks. I had a good day. I felt full of energy and for some moments almost happy. I felt some of my "emotional memories" come back. When I'm very low, I'm so numb that I don't even remember how it feels to be in love, to be sad, to be happy. There is absolutely nothing!!!
Today, while thinking of my little canadian, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the memory of love. I really loved him deeply. And there was also so much sadness, thinking of poor me when I was in Canada. None of us wanted it to go wrong. I'm truly sorry for what happened between us.
It's a sad story. But sometimes there is beauty in the sad things, as they make us realise the gifts we have received.
And here it is again. I'm feeling like a raw egg. I love it! I'm touched by everything - I look at the world and I marvel at it like a little child. It's all so new. This is how it feels when the clouds disappear. It's beautiful.
Please, cross your fingers. I'm not at all on top of the mountain - but I don't want to go back down.
Love,
Luise.