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Luise

Good on you for tackling the 55 km walk and overcoming the memories. You did so well.

Go Luise!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 29. May 2007 06:44 PM

Dear Luise

I'm similar, in that I tend to write myself UP rather than down, and I use my writing as a tool for my recovery - so I understand where you're coming from there.

My writing has really helped me with my recovery. So has my solitude. At first - when I first arrived in Dubai - my loneliness nearly killed me - in that I knew I was going to either suicide or recover. In many ways for me coming here was 'enforced' solitude. I'd been out of Aus for a good 6 months and had been tracking along ok - and then when we arrived here - the crash was pretty much instantaneous - and it was straight down - and I had no one. Hubby was at work and I was stuck in a hotel room in the middle of god knows where and I felt completely culturally/environmentally/socially alienated.

Hubby himself was trying to adjust and cope with being here and his new job and his 'depressed wife' - and he was worn down with my depression - so he withdrew from me emotionally - he couldn't/wouldn't deal with it - and every time I tried to talk to him about my downess he'd explode. So - for me - I felt very alone. I was spiritually alone - and we did talk about me returning to Aus because I couldn't cope - and about severing our future together....well - he suggested it - and I cried!!! Yelled!!!

I didn't feel I could reach out to my friends back home - because I guess that's part of depression - shame/guilt/feelings of inadequacy etc. Also - I didn't have internet access, and the moving around last year had taken it's toll financially and I couldn't afford to use the hotel phone. Although one time I did phone my Aunty back in Aus (who I love, and who always held the candle of hope for me from when I was a teenager).

But - you know the great thing of the whole experience. The 'enforced' aloneness - pushed me to the point - and I sought help, and I was determined - because I knew if I didn't suceed I would die - and I told my therapist I wanted to develop my CBT - and for me - my epiphany - where I consciously realised that I mattered to myself happened talking about something I was distressed about in my therapists office - and working through the process using CBT. And - since I had that realisation - I was on my way. That realisation for me was the key - the turning point.

And - since then I have spent a lot of time on my own - but you know what - I now love my solitude. I treasure it. I love it when my husband is home for a few days, but I also love it when he goes away. I love spending time with my friends, but I also love spending time with me. I love my husband - but I know that if something happened to him - or even if, for any reason, he left me - I would still be ok. This was a massive adjustment for me.

It comes down to this:

"It's hard to feel lonely when you love the person you're alone with" (that's a slight modification of a Wayne Dyer quote). It's all about living in love. Self Love. Loving people live in a loving world.

I'm writing this because I relate to you alot and your journey. I'm also writing it, because I want to thank you for what you wrote in another diary today - and I want to thankyou for helping me keep centred, focused and helping me not to react in too destructive a manner.

I'm also writing it because you mentioned the power of the 'epiphany' - and I wanted to give you some hope that it will happen to you. For me - it happened through CBT - but I'm sure there are other ways. There is a therapy called DBT, which I don't know much about, having only had a brief look - but from the brief look it appeared really good to me. It inspired me - and in the future if I wish to access more/different type of therapy I will look into it more.

I have also met someone here in Dubai - ironically - our neighbour - who has been living in the flat next to us for as long as we've been here - but we'd never chatted. Anyway - he and his wife invited me for a coffee the other morning - and he shared his journey with

Written by Deleted_User, 30. May 2007 04:12 AM

depression! (Note the coincidence/synchronicity of him having depression!). He was very in tune, and he had also had the realisation of 'self' or epiphany - and for him it happened through hypnosis. He and I were very much in the same stage of our journey of recovery (Again - note the coincidence/synchronicity!)

So - in case you haven't already had yours (sometimes I think you have because you do write about the importance of 'self love' - unfortunately I didn't get to read what you wrote today properly - just scanned it - and then it was deleted) - I want to let you know that you will have it - maybe just through your own journey - maybe through therapy - but you will have it - and your life will go onwards and upwards. You are open to it - so you will have it and you will recover.

OK - re back to your walking - firstly I think it is awesome that you did it. I hope you give yourself credit for the proactive efforts you make in your life. Your proactivity inspires me. Well done for overcoming your fear. Awesome.

Re your visualisation - of working in a nice agency with nice people in northern Germany. YEP. Brilliant. Keep the courage. Keep the hope. Keep working on your self worth. The more you can improve your feelings of self worth - the more you'll believe that you can do this and you won't allow fear to limit you. It sounds awesome. I'll try to help encourage you to keep the faith in yourself and pursue your dream.

I hope today - you did some good things for yourself.

Sending you love, faith and inspiration.

When we live in fear we spend our time thinking about all the things we can't do. When we live in love we spend our time imagining and doing the things we can do!

Life is an opportunity - a gift.

Kimberly
xoxo

PS. You know how I've pointed out a couple of coincidences/synchronicities in this email. The more we spiritually grow - the more of them we notice - and they help affirm us in our growth.

You going out walking, then me writing down Robert Frost's poem about choosing a path was a coincidence. Then you thinking about and searching for that poem - and finding it here - was a coincidence. The universe really does work with us, when we allow ourselves to flow with life.

xoxo

Written by Deleted_User, 30. May 2007 04:15 AM

Luise,

Sounds like the walk was a really positive thing for you. I think your plan to move and kind of start over is a good one and hope you move forward with that. Remember, the sooner to start the process the sooner your new life will begin.

I did something similar about 8 years ago. I moved to a different city and got a new job to kind of start over. It took a while before my life really got back on track, almost two years, but it only happened because I made the change. So my advice is to not get discouraged if your new life doesn't instantly click into place. I did get a little discouraged at times but I never seriously thought about moving back where I had moved from because I knew that was a step backward and I needed to move forward.

Good luck with the plan and make it happen!

HD

Written by hounddog, 30. May 2007 06:46 AM