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Life in slow motion

A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 24. May 2007 06:34 AM

Hi Diary and everybody out there -

I haven't written for a while, and I was stingy of comments - sorry. I am thinking of you all. Well, in moments I CAN think. I'm so low and tired at the moment, I feel so heavy that I almost can't move. Everything I do feels so difficult. I'm just a robot, I do what I have to do and the most pleasant times are my times in bed and the short times before when I'm looking forward to go to sleep.

What has just happened to me?

My best friend is still retreated with her boyfriend. Well, not really. She was here for a visit yesterday, but I still feel hurt and I miss her and the lots of time she had for me some years ago. Now I have to settle for half an hour coffee meetings, and I don't like it, as I'm not a fast person, and I always need a bit of time to warm up. And it would be nice if she would miss me too, but she always has other tings to do. Maybe I'll call her to make an appointment to spent some nice time together, if that is possible. I can't lose all my friends.

I don't get my canadian out of my head. It is so annoying. It's a year now since we've met. Today is the day. The 23.5.06 was the day we got together. I feel at home with you, he said. Welcome home, I said. I thought I could forget but I can't. It scares me. We've been travelling together for 3 months, so there will be 90 days left to mourn. He has left such a gap. Is there any way to deal with it? Should I light a candle for him? I want to write him. I want to call him. But something keeps me from doing it - maybe just the thought that everybody would say "Don't." Maybe just that I feel so desperate and longing. I want to be ok before I contact him again. I want to be sure that I don't need him before I call him.

Solution?
- Do nothing - maybe the urge will pass.
- Wait until my head is clear
- Write a short email - just to free my head from it - and then stay relaxed, no matter what happens.
- Continue writing the road story - I'm already in tears every night remembering what happened last year, so there won't be any damage.

There is more. So much more. And so few at the same time. I feel as if nothing is happening in my life. Therapy doesn't work. Friends disappear. Relationships don't exist. I'm just working, because I need the money. I force my tired body out of bed, I do the robot thing, and then I go to bed again. Sweet dreams.

I know this is all not true. There will be better times. I have friends. I have learned many things over the last few months. My life is not all dark and cold. But sometimes it just feels like it.

Love,
Luise.

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Comments from the community:

Hey Luise

I really believe in you and admire you and gain inspiration from you. You're having a tough time at the moment Luise, but it will pass - everything is fluid.

I had a similar experience with the person I considered my 'best friend' - about a year and a half ago. I was very hurt/devastated then angry/bitter about it and I couldn't understand it - and it took me a long time to come to acceptance and understanding - and now I have. I think of her and hope she is doing ok - but I accept that she is living her life, doing her thing - and so am I - and I believe that if she ever wants to get back in touch she will.

In August when I was in Kenya we went to dinner with friends of my parents - and I remember using the term 'favourite book' - and a lady said to me - why do you have a 'favourite book' - it doesn't make sense - it is like 'having a best friend' - it hurt a little when she said this, but it was somethig that I pondered on - and it opened up my mind - do we need to have a 'favourite' or a 'best' book/friend/something/someone - does that limit us from seeing the beauty in ones that are not our favourite/best? Do we need to benchmark things/people? Can we not be open and let go of our need to judge things/people in this way? For me, this really changed my perception - and now I consider labelling someone or something as my favourite or my best is actually limiting myself - because it makes me cling to something/someone rather than being open to the variety and beauty in all. I don't know if this makes sense to you - but for me, I found this a really important lesson - and it opened me up to be more fluid and accepting and to be more ok within myself.

With the Canadian - I think that you are still hurting a lot over this. Is it the 'addiction' that is hurting you - the need to hang on? Is it possible to set yourself free to flow with life? Maybe it would be therapeutic to allow yourself to write a letter - a long and expressive one - save it in your drafts and read it in 2 or 3 days. You might find this purging, and when you read it in a few days you might find you have grown beyond this and do not wish to send it.

What do you think about this concept Luise?: "Have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing" (Wayne Dyer). When I read this - it made me think a lot and I grew from it. Can you open your mind to all the universe's possibilities and to you being capable of doing and spiritually being anything that you can conceive in your mind and your heart?

Believe in the beauty and love and wisdom and strength within you Luise. You have it all within you - I have seen it often in your writing.

With lots of love

Kimberly

Below is an extract from The Prophet by Kahil Gibram

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread,
but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping,
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow

Written by Deleted_User, 24. May 2007 12:37 PM

Hey Luise,

Lets do the Robot together.

I hope this passes for you soon, I am in a similar state of mind lately and it kinda sucks!
((((((LUISE))))))

Take care.

Regards, Kitty

Written by Deleted_User, 24. May 2007 02:28 PM

Luise

At least you have seen your friend. Keep making times with her and you may get more than half an hour. Half and hour is better than nothing.

Canadian - sorry but forget him as he is bad for you and you know that. Do your grieving as that is acceptable given the anniversary date/travel time.

Take care and hope to see you happy soul back soon.

Go Luise!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 24. May 2007 05:49 PM

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