The only child
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 18. May 2007 04:44 AM
Hi diary and everybody,
I had a talk on the phone with my friend. It left me in tears, again. She told every of her friends to stay away from their house for some weeks, as she and her boyfriend need some time for themselves. That's all.
It's NOT personally about me. She will NOT leave forever. I have NOT done anything wrong. To see it positively, i can see it as a chance to get in touch with old friends I haven't seen for a long time. And anyway, I'm away for the weekend, and maybe I'm also away for the weekend after. Why am I still so upset? And why does it feel so real - like real true sadness? It seems to really touch my soul. It doesn't feel like the ususal depressive thoughts. There must be some childhood stuff about the fear of being abandoned - and experiencing these feelings is a chance to learn. So here's a little bit of self-exploring:
My mother told me she was in hospital for some weeks when I was a little child, and I stayed with my grandparents. I don't remember this time, and I don't know why I didn't stay with my dad.
I remember that one night when I was a child I woke up an they were gone - at the neighbours or something. I can remember that I felt lonesome and betrayed - they had just sneaked away secretly! Without telling me!
When I was a child and they went to the neighbours on the other side of the street, they told me I should turn on the bathroom light when I wanted them to come. I believe to remember (not absolutely sure about it) that one day I turned on the light and they didn't come. My mother has a different memory. She says that they always came, but I formed a habit of playing with the light to see if they really, really would come (and maybe because I was bored).
My mother told me that when I was 10, they went on a jouney, just the 2 of them, and left me at some friends, and I bitterly complained that they didn't take me along. I don't remember.
I remember a creepy feeling of loneliness every time my family was taking an afternoon nap. I never slept, I just felt bored and abandoned while the whole house was asleep. As if nobody was there.
I know. Many of you have gone through much more worse things. But depression doesn't always come for an obvious reason, and we all are vulnerable for different things. I can't remember something REALLY bad. But in these moments it must have been bad for me, the child. I reckon I'm just a normal only child with normal issues. A bit lonely. A bit affected by the "two against one"-situation with the parents. I was often mocked as a "spoilt only child", as people think that the life of the only child is always very comfortable, you get everything you want - but I always felt that nothing I was given could substitute siblings.
Is that the key? A life-threatening fear of being abandoned by the ones I love or need? Is this my relationship pattern - making sure that there is always a person in my life who gives me safety - and crashing down when it seems as if my relationship to this person is in danger?
Surprisingly the sadness about my friend gives me relief and freedom. Maybe we must live the same situation again and again until we understand.
That's it what I'm grateful for today.
Love to you all. Everyone of you is special.
Luise.