Comforting friends on depnet. And Animals
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 14. May 2007 06:14 PM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
thanks to all for your comments to my last entry. It is comforting to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who has lived a strange relationship and that there are people who understand. I try not to talk to much about it to my real life friends. I have experienced that most of them are impatient and think too simple for the situation. It's half a year ago - I should have overome it, shouldn't I? For them it's so obvious that he was just an asshole who treated me bad - so forget about him. Other mothers have nice sons too. Go out and find yourself a better one! So far the theory...
Stanford remarked something I usually don't admit: It is true that everything without him feels futile. Like you eat something mild after something spice, there isn't much taste in it. It was relieving to read that I'm not the only one who has experienced this. I always pressure myself to "enjoy life" like everybody else, but maybe this needs more time than I thought. And maybe it is more normal - according to the situation - than i thought also. I used to blame myself - why can't I just overcome it and go on? Well, because it's not the time yet. Ask again in a year or so.
You caught me with the puppet on a string thing. I didn't even realize it. I HAD come to a decision regarding him, but that was before he wrote again. I still want to stand by my decision. I'm much more safe when I keep him out of my life. My favorite comfort is: That I have control over my life - that I can decide what I do. Nobody will treat me like shit in this life at the moment. I'm not prisoned in a darkened apartment with some pot-smoking stranger. I'm safe.
I'm struggling. At least I have done something nice to myself yesterday: I had to work, but nobody said I have to do this at home. So I took my macbook and went to the zoo. They have a restaurant which is designed like an african farm - you can sit on a verandah watching zebras and ostrichs, listening to the lions shouting and smelling the fresh air mixed with various kinds of animal poo.
I spent the afternoon there drinking coffee, eating their homemade cake and watching the visitors and other animals. It's a lovely place, and I like it. Especially when you leave late and everythings's peace and quiet.
Today I have a meeting with my counsellor, and I hope she can help me to find a clearer view on the things.
I'm planning to visit my best friend 500 km from here for the weekend to take part in a flea market just for books. We will probably sell our old books and buy other peoples old books for the money! I think I have to live things like that - innocent, just nice, not too emotional - to teach myself that there is still a life after the canada story.
Take care everybody,
love,
Luise.