This is not funny
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 13. May 2007 05:21 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
today I'm not feeling so good and I don't know why. I did a lot of CBT homework stuff (like writing down the bad thougths and replace them with better ones) but 5 minutes after having written it down I have completely forgotten about it and everything starts again. I'm so tired and feel sorry for myself. I KNOW the world is wonderful and my life isn't so bad. Why can't I just have a healthy brain that makes it possible to enjoy it?
OK, as always I write this entry to cheer myself up. What's the problem? What was the trigger of this?
I came back from northern germany on wednesday evening and felt fine. Thursday morning I woke up nervous, with the usual pressure in my chest, smelling the stinking breath of the big black dog again.
What was wrong? I suspect my thoughts about the canadian. Again. Still.
I took him and his email serious, like always. He said he would maybe come to europe again this autumn, and I started to make plans. I just couldn't resist. What would happen if he would come and I would have a new job and no time? What would happen if he asked me to do another long walk with me? I didn't feel happy anymore when I went up from my dive in sweet illusions, and realized that I don't trust him anymore and I can't rely on him. But on the other hand, maybe I can this time? Wouldn't it be cruel not to trust him just at the moment when he first tries to be true to his word?
I'm just so very confused between his two faces, the lovely and the terrible one, the strong one and the helpless one, and all I read about Borderline Personality Disorder and that you can't trust these people, but he was a PERSON, he was more than just some lines from the symptom list. He was funny. And very caring. And he seemed so strong. And he was so, so happy on your long trip through europe. He liked himself and others and what he was doing, even if it was just cleaning the dishes, and it was nice to see.
And then he was so respectless. He was angry and aggressive, and he scared me. One day on the phone he told me: I don't want you to come to canada because if ... (a so-called good friend of him) would call me and she would want to sleep with me during the time you're here, what will I do? (He was my ) Another day, some days before I left, he slept with me, but he refused to kiss me. It was very mortifying. Instead of kissing me he went out to the depanneur to get cherry yoghurt ice cream for us, and in the meantime I dried my tears.
And now this man writes me that he can't imagine not to hear from me again, and that he thinks of me every day and that he finds I am the strong one and he's so thankful for what he has learned from me. And just this one email, although nice and well-meant, causes me so many tears. It's like my heart is breaking in two pieces. One part still wants to love and forgive and forget about the bad times, but the other part has sharp eyes which have seen everything clearly and can't forget about it.
I'm trapped. That's why I don't feel good, that's why I feel wrong in my own life, that's why I can't enjoy the smell of the summer rain and all the other nice little things. That's why I feel useless although I had a nice job interview. Because my whole energy is needed for my soul to digest something very heavy. Maybe a schnaps would help?
Hey, that was a real eye-opener. Feel better now. It is good to write about the memories. I all has to come out.
Thanks for listening,
Luise
PS: Maybe I have to accept that some things are not reversible. Some things can't be forgiven, not in such a short time. It's hard to accept. I would always chose to see the best parts of someone, but sometimes it seems impossible if I want to respect my own feelings. And this makes me even more sad: I want to love and forgive, and I can't.