Fresh news from germany
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 10. May 2007 08:22 AM
Hi diary and everybody,
I was at the north coast for some days - helped my parents renovate their summer residence.
The usual day: Breakfast at 9, painting some window frames, lunch at 1 PM, some more painting, Coffee at 4 PM, leisure-time after. I enjoyed lots of food I would never buy for myself (Salami! Parents...) and I enjoyed fresh air and good sleep and time to think about things.
But: I missed you guys. For that reason I'm happy to be back and have lots of diaries to read. Here is some daily stuff of mine:
6.5.07
Today I feel as if i've caught a cold, tired and with a sore throat. I have too much time to think, and this makes it difficult, as I'm thinking a lot of my Canadian. Thoughts and memories come and go, and I try to let them go, not to hold them. Sometimes I miss him terribly and I'm not far from asking somebody to put me in chains to keep me from writing him immediately. But then another memory rises up in my head - usually something bad, a situation when he already failed me on the camino. Like when he repaired the computer in some hostel and didn't want to tell me because he wanted to be the first to check his emails. I always had to beseech him for giving me little pieces of love. And I didn't realize it at that time, I was just happy with my little pieces. I needed so much someone to love me. He gave me security - well, actually he didn't. I always had to fight for his love, but it was better than nothing for me. Now I have to learn that I shouldn't use any other person to increase my self-esteem. It's obvious, now, but I still walk into that trap a million times every day. I catch myself so often escaping into the arms of someone. I'm sad and lonely - ok, my best friend will fix it. Or I will find a man one day, and everything will be fine. NO! It's a long way, and I understand that it needs everyday practise - but one day I will truely know that I love myself. And from this day on things will be easier. For what do I need a man? I have my best friend to take care of me when I'm sick. I have enough things I like to do, so I don't need an entertainer. Imagine there were no doubts for me being a loveable person: I would not need anybody to proove it - not to me, not to others.
(Anyway, as falling in love is a very beautiful thing I would still not say no to it - but I would maybe stop CRAVING for it and live my life until it happens).
I have eaten a lot of vegetables. My reward after the do-it-yourself-work with my parents was being invited in a cafe for something very delicious: A kind of crunchy cake, broken in pieces, with Vanilla cream on it, on the cream lots of fresh fruit salad and on the top more cream. I took some time off on the sofa wrapped in a warm blanket, reading my beloved Marian Keyes book ("Rachels holiday", I can honestly suggest it!). Writing this entry is another thing I do for myself.
- I can sleep
- I can eat
- I can enjoy the sun
- Things are definitely better than some weeks before.
- I have control over my life.
7.5.07
Today I feel like a survivor. Sometimes peaceful, and than again upset, and then like I'm still the child of my parents who can be easily shouted at by her father.
I had a nice rest with a coffee in the afternoon. I treated myself to some extra-fine yoghurt with fruits and a piece of my favorite cake. I did some do-it-yourself work and enjoyed it somehow, and I added some nice Tiger Lillies music. I convinced my parents to play a boardgame with me instead of watching boring TV. I did my best not to feel bad when my father shouted at me.
- having some time for myself now
- I am still alive
- looking forward to a good nights sleep
- having received a nice poem by email
- I have hope.
8.5.07
Today I'm almost happy. A bit confused. Too many things in my head. Memories of the camino (still writing the story), thinking about applying for a vacant job in a company where I worked long time ago (which is in another town - i would have to move 400 km), old family stuff - i'm still with my parents. But all in all things are still developing.
After a good night's rest I had a coffee and bread with honey all alone in our house (parents were doing the shopping) and I allowed myself to watch some stupid movie without having a bad conscience - very relaxing.
- I see things clearer
- being able to relax
- having a future
- being able to see my real self sometimes (which is beautiful, smart, funny, loveable)
- having met my canadian last summer.
9.5.07
Today I feel normal. I haven't thought any depressive thought for more than 24 hours. What a nice feeling. I feel I have a future. I am glad to be alive.
I did my best on a surprising job interview with an old employer - and I rewarded myself with a nice coffee in a place where I spent almost every lunch when I worked there. I was glad it still existed. I really enjoyed the 400 km in my car - with good music, evening sun and no bad thoughts!
- For the courage to call my old employer
- Good sleep
- being able to enjoy my car journey home
- having a reply mail from canada. Unanswered mails from him are the best! I can be happy about it without being nervous if he will write back :-)
- for the peace in my soul
I'm looking forward to reading the Aussie news!
Love,
Luise