Back in my own life
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 1. May 2007 05:28 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
I wrote an email to canada yesterday. I said him goodbye.
I felt that I had to let him go to go on with my own life. There is nothing to be proud of - it's just something that had to be done.
I feel relieved. Free. There is pain, but it feels like the wounds you have after having a tooth pulled - an intensive pain, but bearable. I can bear it, because I know that the pain is part of the healing. It feels like something that will heal one day. It needs nothing but some air to heal by itself. All I have to do is wait and live my life.
So relieving. It was not easy, but there was barely another way out. I cannot be friends with him. It would always be a circle of manipulating eachother. I've decided not to join in anymore because of my respect for myself, but after writing this letter it feels also like an act of respect for him. I will not tell him lies about my feelings just to make him stay. I tell my truth because he deserves not to be kidded, no matter for what reason.
It feels good, in a quiet and peaceful way. Compared to the desparation I felt before, compared to the feeling of being stuck in a hopeless situation, compared to anger and the feeling of being rejected it feels good.
I did the right thing. I'm sad - this beautiful kind of normal sadness that belongs to life. I remember him, that beautiful, strange kid - I embrace him from far away - knowing that both of us have to walk alone now.
It's ok.
Love,
Luise.