Self respect and my new theory about men
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 29. Apr 2007 08:41 AM
Hi diary and everybody,
today I'm feeling ok. Peaceful, somehow. I've had Jako here - the man I loved so much two years ago and who prefered to marry a friend of a friend of mine and made her a baby.
After he left, I was tired of smiling. I have to accept that times change. Friendships change. Sometimes changes make no difference. Sometimes they do. The most important thing is to talk and to be honest, first to yourself and then to the other person. Take it as an investigation: Can we still have fun together? What has gone, what is left? Is there anything left?
Maybe we can fix it somehow. Maybe we can't. Although we haven't "had" anything, it feelt like meeting with an ex-boyfriend, and I was tempted to ask: "When will you give me my part of the furniture? And have you decided who keeps the cat?"
I needed a bath and a coffee.
Now I feel ok, relieved. Today I want to write something about my talents. I tend to minimize them (well, who of us doesn't?) and my psychotherapist openend my eyes about it, friendly reminding me of the fact that if I'm singing successfully in a choir that gives concerts, there must be some talent somewhere. She's right! I'm talented in many ways, and it's time to take a look at my qualities/gifts/skills - with a special focus on talents that make ME happy and which are enjoyable without having any canadians involved.
Here we go! (Members of the audience who are already bored are warmly encouraged to have a glass of champagne in the foyer)
- I'm really good in languages, I speak spanish, english and a bit french, and I learn very fast. I can read english books (this one I'm proud of AND I enjoy it!)
- I'm a good singer. I have learned to play the guitar also, but I don't have much practice. I am a couraged musician. Many people are very afraid of making music in public - of course I know stage fright, but I'm not completely scared to let people hear my voice. It's beautiful. (I remember a friend told somebody about me: She's the perfect girl to marry - she can sing, she makes an excellent coffee, and she has 200 $!)
- I'm a good storyteller - and a good writer. I love to write stories of my life. I don't do this so often, as I always think I need time for it - but maybe half an hour is enough to start with.
- I'm a good traveller. Means, I'm not at all afraid of leaving home, and I know that I'm safe anywhere on the planet.
- I'm a good photographer. I love my pictures! Many people told me they're really good. Being a good photographer means having your eyes open to see the hidden treasures around. The picture is already there, you just have to find it.
- I'm a walker! I have been able to find something I'm really passionate about - walking on the camino santiago, with nothing than my backpack and a walking stick. It is the best thing I've ever done, and I'm proud of it and happy to have it in my life!
- I'm intelligent. I think about things. I'm interested and open-minded.
I'm starting to establish respect for myself. I have let myself go over the past years. My weight is up on 96 kilo, and I feel heavy and slow and tired. But inside this heavy body there is not a heavy fat person - there is someone beautiful, with a beautiful mind. This beautiful person deserves all my respect. She deserves to be fed well and healthy. She deserves a more beautiful body than I gave her. I hated myself. That's whay I didn't care about my body. Now I do - because I have finally retrieved a bit of respect for myself. Let me never forget that.
Something else came up in my mind while thinking about my talents: It is such a waste that a person with great talents like these, full of interest and creativity believes that she's unlovable and not worthwhile. Why? Because people told me.
told me.
"Well, with your overweight don't tell me that men are waiting in line for a date with you."
"I was interested in you, but you missed the test and so I take the other girl instead of you. You should have done this and that and you would be on her place now. You had your chance."
"You don't see that you're an outsider? Girl, do you have a mirror?"
"I love you, but you're just not sexy enough."
"You want to keep your friends and your job now that you have me? Are you serious? With this attitude you'll never find someone who loves you."
Well, at least nobody told me I'm boring or stupid.
It sounds ridiculous, but the funny thing is that they this crap. They were all poor creatures, without a real life, and instead of building up their own they tried to destroy mine - my rich, beautiful, interesting life by bullying me. They exhausted me, they pressed me into the role of a mother/shrink/priest/social worker - whatever they needed, and then they threw me away, empty, tired, damaged. They must have been envious or something. How dare they subdue me by telling me there's something wrong with me or I'm not loveable, not enough for them? As if I need somebody like this to be my boyfriend. As if I want to waste my precious time with someone like that. Didn't they have eyes? Didn't they see my beauty inside or did they ignore it because they couldn't bear it?
Who knows. Good thing that at least I finally have seen some light :-)
Love,
Luise
PS: Would the people who already had their drinks be so kind to make room in the foyer for the guest who have accomplished to read this entire long entry? They really deserve a glass of our best champagne now.