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Now that he's back I miss him even more

A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 21. Apr 2007 03:28 AM

Hi diary and everybody,

still having a pretty good time - I'm procrastinating work, but doing some other things instead - I'm happy to have retrieved some interest in my life.

I'm still retreated and quiet, I'm still not interested too much in hanging around in bars with lots of people, and I generally have my limits relating to how many time I spent with people - but maybe it's the new me? Doesn't feel uncomfortable for me at the moment.

Surprisingly my canadian did his best and wrote me a message: "Can't answer your email now, but will answer soon" and the other morning I had another long email from him. Very nice. But, surprisingly, I'm not at all satisfied or happy. I feel empty and cold and somehow hungry - the kind of hunger when you don't know what to eat and you anticipate that no food on earth can give you what you really need.

I felt it coming. I was happy to be in contact with him, but yesterday the feeling changed slowly into some kind of sadness/anger/nervousness.
Something was wrong, and I had to find out what it was.

I think it is the feeling of losing an illusion.

His first email was very soulful, he told me nice
things and apologized once more, and this, in some way, nurtured my injured soul.

The second email is still nice, but just normal, he's talking about doing another walk and visiting some people overseas, me included - but I realize that I still don't want to be someone who's included - I want to be THE ONE. I want to be loved, I want to be the most important person for him, I want him to give me the heaps of affection I miss so deeply since I was born. I want him to apply a plaster on the scars of my whole life, stroke me gently and say: Everything will be fine. But I have to accept again that he never can give it to me - that nobody can give it to me really, except myself (who invented this? A buddhist monk? A hermit?) - but especially he is definitely the wrong candidate for these kind of wishes.

This reality is hard to take.
What can I do with it now? It occupies most of my thoughts at the moment. It would be a clear thing to say goodbye to him and to all my illusions (will we meet up again? Will he finally recognize that I'm the only one he will ever love? Will he recover from his personlity disorder by a miracle and be the loving partner and father for my children I wish him to be? Will we love eachother from far away and be celibate for all your lives?) - but it sounds as possible as saying goodbye to my right arm, so forget it.

I can jump into the warm water of illusion again and enjoy the feeling of being loved and special - because this is what he tells me, but, too bad that I don't really believe him to believe what he says - sure, he does - at the moment. And anyway, what does it mean if he tells me I'm special and beautiful? Does my beauty go by just when he stops thinking I'm beautiful?

GERMAN GIRL REMOTE-CONTROLLED BY CANADIAN TELEPATHY ARTIST - CHANGING FROM BEAUTY QUEEN INTO UGLY MONSTER IN JUST 30 SECONDS!

I just can live my own life as full as I can.
I can do my best to be content with what I have.
I can work on my need to be loved and can try to transform it into the satisfaction of being loved by myself. I can try to fill the gap. If there is no gap, I will not expect anyone to fill it, and then I can let somebody into my life and can be glad about him like you are glad about some surprising extra-goody.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Love,
Luise

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Comments from the community:

Dear Luise

You have already written every answer to your doubts (questions) in here.

By the way - a doubt is a fear.

You are so nearly there. You have written the answers here, but you don't realise them yet. You don't realise THE answer yet. You know it deep down, but you don't REAL - I -se(lf) it yet.

Maybe you need to go through more pain - to a new depth of pain. By the way, pain is a manifestation of fear.

The darkest hour is just before the dawn. You are nearly there. Once you hit dawn, life just keeps getting better. Maybe you still need to hit your darkest hour?

The darkest hour is the moment of greatest fear.

With love

Kimberly
xoxo

Written by Deleted_User, 21. Apr 2007 06:17 AM

His words no longer sooothe you as they did because there is an element of suspended belief there Stefka. It is very painful sometimes having a brain, and being unable to delude yourself in order to get what you would like. You don't have to say goodbye to him..nor can you trust him enough to run off to another country again to be with him. Can you work on him having a different place in your life? Love is not an all or nothing thing...

Written by Deleted_User, 21. Apr 2007 09:59 AM

Give him ago Luise - you just never know what might happened.It is a pity that he won't just visit you and that must be hard for you. I do hope everything works out for you. 1956

Written by 1956, 21. Apr 2007 01:13 PM

Luise

You know in your heart from this diary entry what you need to do about the Canadian. I know it can be hard to admit but you want love and affection and I don't really think he is the kind of person to do this.

Kim is right, you have answered you questions yourself.

Take care and make a wise decision.

Go Luise!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 21. Apr 2007 04:33 PM

Dear Luise

I want to answer a question that you asked me in my diary entry called "questions and acceptance". I thank you for asking me the question because you gave me an opportunity to learn and grow and move forward in my wellness. I hope that my answer helps you to learn and grow as well. Your question was:

" It reminds me of my own life story - dealing with similar things at the moment - having no idea if my parents have really loved me and if I had a happy childhood. It would be nice to write down my childhood memories like you did. I always thought I was a happy child - now my therapy makes me realize, that my feeling of being unlovable and worthless must have a reason. Deep within I felt like this for my whole life. It must be something in my childhood. Although I'm feeling there's something missing in the relationship to my parents, my mother said: No, you must be wrong. We have always given you love and care, but since you have been very young you seemed to need more love than anyone could give.
What do you think about that? Do you think someone could be born with a special need of love and care?"

Firstly, I think depression is caused by a fear of survival. I have written about fear in one of my earlier entries if you want to read how i think that is the case. When we don't feel safe we become needy, clingy. Re your Mum saying you always seemed to need more love than they could give. I think it is because what you actually needed was to feel safe. I think your parents maybe gave you as much love as they had within them - ie all their love - but they didn't know that what you needed was to feel safe. So - they didn't know that if they had made you feel safe, you wouldn't have 'needed so much love'.

I think for me - and by the sounds of things, for you as well - we started feeling insecure at a very early age. Maybe something happened to us in our birth where our safety was threatened - maybe something happened to us in our infancy where we feared for our survival. I don't know. But that is what I think is behind it. So, for me I am realising that yes - my parents adore me and always have and the misunderstanding was because I didn't feel safe and because as a child I depended on them to feel safe - I think this made me feel unloved. Yet our parents didn't know that our need for 'love'or attention was because we felt unsafe - so they didn't know that they needed to reassure us.

Does this make sense?

Love Kimberly
xoxo

Written by Deleted_User, 22. Apr 2007 07:46 AM

Hi Luise and thanku for your kind words you made on my comments section. I am new to DepNet so it was very nice to get your msg and afew from other aswell.
My mum is German but I can't remember the town she was born. I will try to find out. I hope all goes well for you. Take care
Regards
darfin

Written by darfin, 24. Apr 2007 11:41 AM

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