From my song book
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 19. Apr 2007 09:47 AM
Hi diary and everybody,
I'm just coming back from a choir rehearsal. I sing in a gospel choir, and the rehearsals always lift my mood - I love the songs and I love the truth and the metaphors in the lyrics. Sometimes they are just the answer to something I was asking and thinking about at that moment.
Today I want to share a song with you, which gave me hope even in very dark times - it is religious, but even if you not religious I'm sure you'll understand the metaphor.
Somebody told me
of the joy they have.
Somebody told me
that in sorrow they could be glad.
Then they told me
once they were bound, but now set free.
I didn't think it could be
til it happened to me.
Not I can tell you
of the joy I have
Now I can tell you
that in sorrow I can be glad.
Now I can tell you
once I was bound, but now set free.
You'll never know that it's true
till it happens to you.
When I'm very depressive I can't believe I will ever see the light again. But until now every time the sun appeared again - even after a long period of darkness.
Today is a proof and I write this as a reminder for worse days - there have been better times, and they will come back!
After some difficult weeks I have been feeling better for the last few days.
I've started to be very kind to myself.
I've let go the feeling of being worthless, useless and lazy.
I've let got the concept that anybody else except me can really nurture me, can give me all the love I'm starving for, can save my life, can make me happy. It's me who has to do this job.
I'm learning that I'm not worthless because I'm alone.
I'm learning that others don't dislike me because I'm alone.
I have found a strong remedy against feeling useless:
I have a reason to be on earth - I'm here to live my life. This is my job for the next 60 years, and nobody else can do it except me. This is my place, and nobody can substitute me. I'm the only one for this job - not even Bruce Willis could do it!!!
And I have found a strong remedy against envy and the feeling that I have a poorer life than anybody else:
I just can walk MY WAY, and I just can live MY life. Not my neighbour's life, not the life of the girl at my gym who looks like a model, not the life of...what was the name of that girl who's married to Brad Pitt?...I just can live my own life the best way possible. If I feel bad because I haven't fulfilled my plans, I can still ask myself, if there maybe was a secret plan which I didn't know - because it was not me who made it? It makes me feel safe and comforted. Everything is as it has to be.
I think letting go all these concepts (or replacing them by healthier/better ones) is doing me really good. I hope I can keep this attitude - well, I'll do my best to keep it.
I wish for you all (and for myself) that we never give up the tiny spark of hope when we sit in the dark. The sun is always there, even if we don't see it at night.
Love to you all, especially the ones who are living through hard times at the moment.
When I was feeling very low and I read an entry of somebody who was doing well it sometimes made me feel even more hopeless. I think it's typical depression - well, nice for them to feel better, but me, I'm an absolutely hopeless case, I will never recover, and I will never feel even a little bit better.
Well, too bad, friends, but here's the proof. There ARE good times. Please hang in there and keep the spark of hope alive. Today it's me who has a good day. Tomorrow it's you.
Love,
Luise.