Feeling like a raw egg
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 16. Apr 2007 11:32 PM
Hi diary and everybody,
I knew that today would be a day for a crying spell. (Not that there are much days without.)
I had an appointment with the gynecologist for some preventive checkup relating to breast cancer (my mother had breast cancer three years ago and has been asking me to go since that time). I arrived there and the receptionist was very unfriendly. We had an argue about some money I was supposed to pay if I don't have a referral from my GP (the health sysem has changed into something quite complicated since some years). No, you can't pay it later, you pay it now. I didn't have any money with me, so she sent me to the bank to take out money. I left the surgery and bursted into tears. Booo-hoooo, poor me, why is life so unfair to me? Why do people treat me like this? Why is the health care system such a crap??? Suddenly I saw my canadian beside me like a guardian angel, calming me down by telling me:
1. Don't take it personally.
2. Don't suppose anything.
3. Don't think or talk bad about yourself or others.
4. Always do your best.
He has taught me these simple rules on our walk, on one of our first days. (They're called "the four agreements" if anyone wants to know - written by a certain Don Miguel Ruiz.)
At that moment we weren't a "couple" yet, but we liked eachother and we knew about it. How easy it can be if you don't have to hide your affections to someone. He was so wise and caring in these first days. I miss his good parts. It made me smile to remember his rules, and it comforted me a bit. At least I've learned something. At least there is still this guardian angel by my side, calming me down when I'm upset about nothing.
Oh boy. Why do I miss this funny child so so much? Will this ever go away? What is so wrong in the need to be loved? My CBT book says you don't need a partner, as there are lots of things you can do alone. But if I need a hug or a comforting word from SOMEONE ELSE, how can I do this alone? Theoretically, I know that I should be independent from someone else's care and comfort, but be honest, friends, is there anybody on earth who is - except maybe a handful of buddhist monks?
I came back to the surgery and waited almost an hour. Then it was my turn, and the doctor criticized me to disorganize her whole schedule. Somebody had complained about me, as I came back too late after going to the bank. You should have known that you need the money, she said. Well, good thing I didn't know - means that I'm not so used to going to doctors, which means that I'm quite healthy - at least physically.
Anyway, as I don't have a partner, there is only one way to make the day better: Be as nice to myself as I can. I'm happy that I can cancel work (good thing I'm a freelancer) without feeling bad about it (extra bonus: I can admit myself taking a day off without feeling bad about it - maybe I have made some progress?)
I'm gonna treat myself to some chocolate, retreat into my sleeping room and start writing my camino story. I'm already crying, so more memories of the camino won't change anything. I'm gonna hide myself from the world for a moment. Sometimes you're not disposed to the world, especially when you feel like a raw egg. At least a raw egg is better than feeling like an icecube or a stone.
I hope this will comfort me. In the late afternoon I will do some simple paperwork, just to feel like having done some work also.
I hope everyone is having a good day.
Love,
Luise