The Jako story and the Karin story: Something about loss
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 14. Apr 2007 07:55 PM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
a little jigsaw piece of memory made me cry this morning, and I discovered that I am still shocked or sad or upset about things in my life that have changed without my influence. These changes are normal stuff - life is a flow, the world is turning every moment, don't tell me - but they were hard to bear for me, and they all happened in one summer (2005) and they kind of destroyed the safe place life was for me in these times.
It's so clear now - why haven't I seen it before? It's all about loss of people. The little girl I was is still searching for love and safeness, as she never had enough, she was always starving for love, and found some relief in people who came close to her and gave her love. But unfortunately people have their own life, and this is hard to accept sometimes...
This morning I found one of my favorite bands giving a concert here, and I mailed the dates to my old friend Jako, who loves their music also, and I was almost sending him the concert dates for cologne, where he lived ...well, before...and it felt like a kick in the stomach realizing suddenly that he had moved - not that I didn't know - and that things basically had changed and the old times are over. It felt as if I would come back from school and my parents house would have disappeared. I don't want things to change! If they are comfortable for me, I want them to stay as they are.
It makes me so sad.
Jako was a very close person to me, and our relationship was something between friendship and love. Well, friendship from his side, love from mine. He was the kind friend who feels like you've known him from playing in the sandpit, very intimate, the kind of friend you don't have to talk with because he could read your thoughts. But we still talked a lot, as there was so much to talk and there were so many jokes to make. He was my big brother. Although I'm looking like a very strong woman (96 kilo!!!) he called me girl (actually he called me "my favorite girl"), and he offered me a shoulder to lean on. He really cared for me and appreciated me. He really seemed to be what I was looking for. I have been loving him for two years, nothing happened, we have been just friends, but it felt very comfortable, as we shared so much of our lives. He used to call me every day at 5PM, just to hear my voice. We visited eachother, listening to concerts. I cried at his shoulder, and he at mine. We talked about the love thing so many times, and he really tried to comfort me and give me all the love he could give without being in love.
2005 he met an acquaintance of mine, fell in love immediately, made her a baby, married her, moved to her city and changed into a husband, talking about how sweet his baby was and how happy he was and how much he loved his wife.
And the favorite girl was left alone.
He was trying hard to continue friendship with me, but I was too shocked, to hurt and I still can't really imagine to continue our friendship, as you seem to always have to be friends with the wife too. I never chose to be friends with this COUPLE, I just want him as my friend. I want to call him at night, if I want to. I want him to visit me for the weekends - alone. I want to drink whisky and smoke cigarettes with him and complain about the lonesome single life. Even if I could not have had him, I would not have wanted the situation to change, and if anyone of us should have been the lucky one, it should have been me.
The same summer my best friend met her new boyfriend. We are still very close, and I still catch myself ignoring him as good as possible. Before 2005 she has been a single mum with a 15 year old son. They have been living in the same apartment house, and we had developed a very close friendship and shared many things in our lives - we ate together, met almost every night to watch movies or something, we took breakfast together or met for a coffee once or twice a day. We even joked about me adopting her son. We shared much of our everyday life - without being a couple - and I really enjoyed it, as I felt safe, loved and comfortable with her and her son. They were like a family for me.
Well, both of us were waiting for the famous "Mr. Right" to appear, and had some blind dates and stuff, and some hopeless unfulfilled long running amourousnesses, but I didn't expect things to change so fast!!! One weekend she came back from visiting her parents telling me that she had had sex with her brother-in-law. The week after he wrote her a letter, she went to Berlin to see him and that was it. She disappeared to Berlin for the summer, they just celebrated their love after years of starving, and there was nothing left for me, and to be honest: I felt abandoned and I was very jealous, and I still don't like him as he disturbed our peace. She moved out of the house to move in a new apartment with him, they made a baby and here we go again: Another little family! (Today I called them to ask if they want to go to the zoo with me and they said: No, we have decided to spent the weekend on our own, just the two of us. We need some time for ourselves.)
Why do times have to change? Why don't I have somebody to stay with me? Why does this make me feel uncomfortable? I don't want to be envious or jealous, but maybe I have to live through these feelings and accept them before carrying on? At least being sad about the good times makes me realize that there have been good times...
I don't want to sound bitter. It's not all about me. Friends have their own life, and that's absoulutely normal. It's just that it all went so fast and nobody asked me - me, the little child who is still starving for love.
Today I will have a good time on my own.
I'll go downtown (it's a sunny day), then I'll sit in my new writing corner and start to write about the camino santiago, then I'll cook a nice asparagus soup for me and in the evening I'll go to the movies.
I wish you all a wonderful weekend.
Be nice to yourself.
Try to catch some fresh air and sun.
Treat yourself with good food.
Sleep like babies at night.
Dream something nice.
Love,
Luise.
PS: Comforting comments are appreciated.