What I deserve
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 10. Apr 2007 11:21 PM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
feeling so miserable and unloved and falling back into missing HIM (yes I do. This is so difficult) I have to remind myself of one important fact: I deserve better. And I would have deserved better when I was there to see him.
Why can't I just understand this? Why can't I really understand and believe that I'm worth to be loved, to be taken serious, to be comforted, whatever, that I'm worth it? I write it, but it feels like nothing that has to do with me. I would so love to believe I deserve all this. I would so love to have my personal strength back, which automatically makes me know about my own value.
This is how I felt when I felt normal: When somebody mistreated me or pained me, I got upset and thought, hey, they can't do this with me. Or I cried, truly sad for my own beloved soul that she has to bear something like that. But in all these situations I respected myself. I was sad and upset because I did see that what happened to me was hurting me, and I knew that I deserve better treatment. I loved myself - and you are sad if something bad happens to someone you love, don't you?
I think for me depression is in large part forgetting about the preciousness of my own soul. Well, maybe not just for me. Maybe this the essence of depression.
This is why I can't be truly sad - just this empty kind of feeling nothing - as I have forgotten that there is some hurting part inside me that is worth to be sad about.
I always tend to focus on the positive, I LOVE to forgive people what they've done to me, there is always an excuse for everybody - but for my own sake, before forgiving I have to realize and respect my pain. Then, when I'm healed, when I have mourned long enough about my precious soul having been hurt - then, and just then, I can truly forgive. One step after the other.
And here is what I deserve (even if I don't believe it 100%, it will hopefully not be missed by my subconscious):
I deserve not to be ignored.
I deserve proper meals.
I deserve a good breakfast.
When I arrive somewhere with a jetlag, I deserve that the person who welcomes me respects that and cares about my well-being.
I deserve not to be parked in front of the TV.
If somebody tells me he loves me, I deserve that he stands by me if somebody asks him about our relationship.
If somebody tells me he loves me, I deserve to be the most important person around him, and not the less important.
I deserve to be taken serious.
I deserve not to be shouted at.
I deserve respect.
My feelings deserve to be respected.
I deserve that the one who said that he loves me likes spending time with me.
If somebody tells me he loves me, I deserve to be kissed + cuddled + hugged.
I deserve help and comfort when I'm not well.
I deserve a shoulder to lean on.
I deserve not having to be always the strong one.
Me being friendly and loving and caring deserves to be appreciated.
Well, at least, if I'm with someone who told me he loves me I deserve to be treated like a beloved person.
Anyway, this was the past. It's I'm just trying to understand to make it better next time. I really have to learn to respect myself. I think this is essential - maybe it is the most essential thing to learn if I want to overcome depression.
On the other hand, when I'm not depressive, I know automatically pretty well what I deserve and you better treat me nice, or...%@"§&%$!
Love to you all out there,
Luise.