Anti-Procrastination-Entry, UPDATED!!!
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 9. Apr 2007 10:55 PM
Hi diary and everybody,
(sorry, this is maybe too long for anybody to read, but it is important for me to write it)
when I intend to do something I always needs some rounds of good procrastination before starting - like cleaning up my whole apartment before writing a letter or like reading the whole depnet diaries including the archive of 1999 before going downstairs to my letterbox to collect my mail. It's so exhausting to motivate myself to do something. So maybe it's better to ask myself: What's keeping you from doing this and that? The answers are surprising!
Things I am afraid of and why:
Bring a too big shirt back to the shop where I bought it.
Why I don't do it:
- They might say no
- They might find me stupid
- I might start to splutter and blush and act stupid
But:
- even if they say no, i have tried and that may feel good.
- there's no reason that they find me more stupid than any other person on the planet
- I'm not the kind of person who stumbles and blushes, so why should I this time?
Reasons to overcome my fear and do it:
- I need the money!
- And it's always nice to overcome fear.
Write an email to my friend Susan in Alaska, who asked me to go for another walk on the camino santiago with her
Why I don't do it:
- It will wake memories and I may burst out in tears
- i don't know what to answer
- if I tell her about being depressed, she may not like me
- if I tell her about missing my canadian, she may find it stupid
- I might sound to her like pitying myself
But:
- What's so bad about crying?
- If I don't know what to write, I could write that I don't know what to write
- She knows about my depression and about my loss and she'll probably find it not stupid but couraged to tell her about all this
- She likes me, so why should she find me a selfpitying, pathetic person? She's a friend!
Reasons to overcome my fear and do it:
- It was nice from her to invite me for a walk
- She's a friend and I want to stay in contact
- I'm looking forward to her next email.
Put the shelf on the wall of my sleeping room
Why I don't do it:
- I can't do it.
- I am too lazy.
- It would be better If I paint the walls before...
But:
- It's just some do-it-yourself-work. It's not like understanding maths. I'm not stupid. I have made holes in my walls often enough. And in case of emergency I could ask a friend for helping me.
- It's not that I don't do it because I'm lazy. I feel lazy, because I don't do it. If I do it, I will not feel lazy.
- Will I ever paint the walls?
Reasons to overcome my fear and do it:
- It will make the room look nicer
- I will have a shelf for my Camino-santiago-Books, and when I see them all together, I maybe get some motivation to start writing about the trip.
- I will feel like a good craftsperson after doing it.
- It's a nice opportunity to prove that I'm not lazy.
Write to Bernard
Why I don't do it:
I feel guilty, as I was so un friendly to him.
But:
- I know that it was the only thing I can do and be at this moment.
- And it would relieve me from guilt and him from feeling abandoned when I explain everything and tell him that I never forget what we've lived.
Reasons to overcome my fear and do it:
- Telling the truth to somebody feels good.
- It feels good to remember a great friendship instead of the last disaster
- I like writing letters
- It will bring me some memories back
- I do the right thing if I do it.
- Talk is always better than silence
- I already have the words in my mind.
Call the advertising agency in swiss where I applied for a job
Why I don't do it:
- I'm afraid they don't like my work
- I'm sure they found me stupid and bad and they found it brazen from a person like me to apply in their super-creative agency. They won't like me at all, and they won't like to have me on the phone
- if I call and they liked me they maybe invite me and then the whole things gets serious and they will find out that I'm just a pretender
But:
- They did like parts of my work sampling, so they can't find me 100% bad.
- They maybe just forgot to call me. That doesn't mean that they don't like my work, and even if they don't like me work, it doesn't mean they don't like ME. It's normal to give an applicant news about their application. I'm usually good at talking with people, so why should it be so unpleasant to talk on the phone with them?
- If they really wanted me, they would have called earlier. But even if they want, there is no reason for being afraid. I'm doing my best, I'm doing a good job at my job, and if they don't like it, they simply don't like it. Who cares? Anyway I'm not a pretender!!!
That was my exercise for today. I hope you're all ok or at least on the way up again. There's always a way up - this is what I want to believe.
Love,
Luise.
PS: Did you know that we don't have any good translation for the word "procrastinate" in german? Lately it develops that people use the word "prokrastination", with a german accent, which sounds pretty funny. Unfortunately that doesn't mean we don't procrastinate...