Lifesavers
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 31. Mar 2007 08:20 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
phew. That was a day.
I've been sick for 4 days. My head hurt. My muscles hurt. I felt fevery and nauseous and exhausted, but I couldn't sleep because of the headaches, and I couldn't do anything else, not even read, because it made me feel even more pukey. So I just laid in my bed most of the time, committed to all my depressive, terrible thoughts, feeling my will to live just rinse out of me. It was the worst low since a long time, and I experienced what it means to feel suicidal. It was scary. I couldn't do anything against it, and I felt like losing control.
I went to my GP, who wasn't there, because he was sick also. They sent me to the pharmacy to get some homeopathic remedy for the headaches (belladonna).
Back home I called my psychotherapist, who fortunately had time. She gave me the number of some emergency clinic for the weekend "if you don't want to be alone". We talked a bit, I cried a lot, i felt as if it was just all too much for me.
Then my best friend showed up with a chicken and some vegetables and told me: "Stay on the sofa, I'm gonna make you a nice soup." She was here with her baby for about 2 hours and it lifted my mood enormeously. I sat on the floor and cried and told her all about my pathethic life and how poor I was and that I was going crazy and couldn't bear it. She just held me and said: "We don't need an emergency clinic. Come to me whenever you want and stay as long as you need it." We ate together, and she cleaned all my dishes. It was a great help, as I couldn't do anything for the last few days.
After she left I tried to clean up my apartment a bit and stayed out of bed as it would have made me feel more miserable. I had the idea to put a heat plaster on my neck to relax my muscles, and this was good: My headaches almost disappeared after a while, and I felt a lot better.
I can't really explain how my mood could lift so immensely in such a short time, but in the evening I took a deep breath of relief. It was as different as chalk from cheese, and it made me realize that depression is truely a kind of "madness" - now, with my clear mind, I shake my head about how crazy I was before.
How could I see all these problems so big, so back-breaking, so insolvable? Are my problems really so big, and am I really so abhorrent and pathetic? Is my life really so very poor? NOT AT ALL!!! But I really thought all this just some hours ago, and I couldn't do anything against it. I didn't even believe to my beloved CBT tricks anymore!
What saved me today?
Homeopathy, talking with my shrink?
True friendship and chicken soup?
Bach flower remedies and a hot patch on the neck?
I just can say: Everything together was a good mix, and I'm deeply grateful that I can breath freely now. I will not go nuts. Not today.
I feel a lot better. Life doesn't feel anymore like a neverending appointment with a cruel dentist without any painkillers. There is hope, there is laughter, there is friendship, and I will survive. Thank you - whoever.
Love,
Luise