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Anger and pain

A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 30. Mar 2007 08:27 AM

Nobody told me that it would hurt so much to change love and illusion into anger and reality. I thought, getting angry at least would make me feel free and strong, but I just feel scared and sad and overwhelmed by things I don't understand, and I feel bereft of the good memories.

Everybody said "If you want to overcome this man, you have to get really angry." But there was no anger at all. Just the all-overflowing feeling of loss. I just want my beloved partner back, was my thought, i missed him so, so, so much. And now that I see, clearly see, how cruel he could be and what a nightmare it was to be with him, depending on his absolutely unpredictable moods, and as what a wreck it left me, there is no room for love. No room for nice memories. All the gold has turned into shit, and the happy times we've lived turn out to have been nothing but an illusion. And I have forgotten how it felt to be with him for the first few days: He seemed so innocent and wise, so warm and full of love, and all this turns out to have been nothing like a smiling mask over an agressive and cruel face. And I'm accusing myself: How could you let him do this to you? Why did you not protect yourself? Will something like this happen again? And will you be as weak as you were and just let yourself fall into it again? Will you again love somebody much more than yourself?

When will I find a bearable interpretation of what has happened?

I really hope this phase of the mourning process is very short - I don't like it at all!

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Comments from the community:

Please don't turn that anger on yourself, you are not responsible for his behaviour and you stayed cause you loved him. The happy times were not an illusion. But could not be sustained over time as he is emotionally abusive..whether deliberate or due to illness I cannot say.

Written by Deleted_User, 30. Mar 2007 08:47 AM

Hi Luise

I have to agree with stanford. Someone has recently said to me that when you angry try and find a way of releasing it. Maybe go to the gym and hit a punching bag for a while. What ever you do do not turn it in on your self. If you do I can assure that it will devour you and you willl become a very bitter and twisted person. I should know I have become this type of person and have become a very bitter and twisted individual.

Bruce

Written by Deleted_User, 30. Mar 2007 10:07 AM

something i read recently:

when you find out that somebody has betrayed you, or that you have not been aware of the reality of a situation, the major task is to newly understand that period of time with the new information. this is a huge task and will take a long time, depending on the length of time you need to resolve.

my experience? the worst is the part where you try to do it all at once - too difficult to take years and try to reunderstand every moment of them. i had to let go of some of it and just resolve the big picture. It is normal to grieve, and grieving hurts. But it does improve as you accept the loss of that time and start to see what has come out of it that is positive. Hard when you are in the midst of trying to understand, I know. But it sounds like you are already in that process, starting to accept that what you had convinced yourself was good was in fact not good for you. The positive is that by looking at it clearly like you are, it is much much less likely to be part of your future. Do you have any idea how many people never get there?

Don't give yourself a hard time over this - other people's actions are never about you, they are always about where they are at. And now you have much better tools to see it coming and know that it isn't right.

Don't internalise these feelings, it is ok to be confused, feel conned, feel lost. You will find yourself again, and although those memories will never quite have the rosy hue they once did, this is not a bad thing. The bearable interpretation may be just that you were in a bad situation, and now you are not.

lots of love
msm

Written by mrsmooch, 30. Mar 2007 10:40 AM

Luise

Turn the anger on to him and not yourself as it is not your fault it is his fault for not being the person he said he was. You are entitled to be angry and feel pain because of him and Not because of you. Get through all this anger and pain and a new Luise will be discovered.

Go Luise!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 30. Mar 2007 06:24 PM

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