Between two worlds
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 12. Jul 2008 12:14 PM
Hi diary and everybody,
I'm having sleepless nights lately, because of several reasons, and I'm wondering how to use them...tonight's idea is writing a new diary entry, the first one after a long time.
I have been back in germany now for almost 6 weeks. After the last day of my spanish job I took the first plane back. I don't have my apartment back yet, cause my subtenant won't let me in even one day before the first of august. He is quite paranoid and answers any objective message of mine with an avalanche of accusations.
I have been living in my parents' cabin by the northern sea for the first two weeks. It was pretty quiet...and it'a all so small there...it was a beneficial contrast to my city life in spain. But still...I was very mixed-up after coming back from spain, after all the trouble and especially the strange work circumstances.
I really had been AFRAID of going to work, and most of my colleagues seemed to me like beings from outerspace which I never would understand. In Valencia I felt like a refugee. I formed the habit to keep hold on my handbag close to me like a fearful grandmother.
Back in Germany, even at this quiet place, I had crying spells about all or nothing, I had terrible fear attacks at night and my moods changed like a rollercoster. It was hard to bear, and I was really worrying about myself.
After two weeks, still in a bad state, I was called by an old client, and one day later I sat in a train for a ten-days job in eastern germany. It was my first step to a new normal life, and it did me good. I decided to rent a little room in city in the east, to be at my familiar place, even if it's not my apartment – yet. And here we are: in a VERY small room in a guest house with shared kitchen and bathroom. I have a big tree in front of my window, and in the morning I am woken up by the voices of birds. For the first week I had a libanese neighbour, now I am on my own. I'm still very nervous. My heart beats fast, and I get anxious about little things. But I'm trying to be good to me and to not overburden myself in these early days of coming back.
I have searched myself an accomplice for my recovery. I needed a little time to prepare myself mentally, but every day I realized more that I really need help. So I started to call some psychologists. I started with the one who seemed to be most helpful in my case: Someone who has experience in Trauma Therapy and who has been working with people who have BPD. There's still a canada story to overcome...
I have already had two sessions. He is a quiet, serious man, who doesn't speak much, but his rare comments all make sense to me. I feel already at least eased – just because he seems to understand, he seems to take my problems serious and also seems to see a chance for me. I was already full of feelings of guilt because I don't have lots of things to do in these days and I don't have a date everyday, but he managed to calm me down by saying: You're just arriving. That's all you have to do at the moment, and take your time.
I have started telling him the canada story, and he doesn't laugh about me and doesn't say, c'mon, it's two years ago, and he doesn's say, forget him. He just asks lots of questions to understand me. To get to know me. It feels good, and maybe I don't have to continue my search, maybe he is already the right one to help me or to accompany me on a part of my way.
Tonight, before I started writing, I had a realization. I am so sad about canada (still. It's like all my traumatic or sad experiences are flowing into one another) and I realized that in some warped way I still feel guilty. Because I abandoned him. I know that this is not the truth, given how he treated me, but it FEELS so true.
Tomorrow I'll head to another voyage: I have to go back to spain, pack my bags and move. I'm wondering how it will feel.
Next weekend I will go to Santiago de Compostela. I'll meet two wonderful women from Alaska whom I first met on the magical walk in 2006. I will be there again, at my favorite place, which is so closely connected to HIM. I'm looking forward to see the summer light of galicia again, painting the cathedral in its special color. And maybe I can retrieve something there which I lost two years ago – some part of myself which stayed in Santiago with all the memories.
I haven't really read any diaries over the last months. Hello to all the new people – welcome! Hello Friends. Hope everyone is ok.
Love,
Luise.