Falling Apart.....bit by bit
A page in the diary "Prison of pain and loneliness"
Written by lynda 25. Jul 2008 11:12 AM
I`m wondering `what does my future hold for me`?
My friends have all gone. Don`t contact me anymore, even those from here.
My self esteem is free falling to new lows. I`ve also found myself withdrawing and NOT wanting contact with anyone even more recently. I`ve been hiding away behin close doors.
This morning I`ve been analysing my life. Thinking of what has happened to me in the past.
At the age of just 2. I was behind a car in which I remember my dad reversing over me. Luckily the wheels passed either side of me and I escaped without harm.
At the age of 8 or 9, my mother thought she would `cool me off`, by shoving me in the pool, holding me under, pulling me up and then shoving me back under once again. I remember thinking, `I`m gonna drown here`.
Then at the age of 19, my mother in-law to be, sadly passed away in hospital at the age of just 42. This really made me think about what I wanted in life.
At the age of 27, my grandmother was diagnosed with stomach cancer and over the next 6 months we watched as she gave up and wasted away to nothing. With us doing everything we could to make sure she was comfortable. She passed away just 2 days before her 72nd birthday. Her last words to me were `you nearly killed me`,cause I once went there when I had a cold and she got sick. To this day those words still haunt me. I lost 3 people in 3 days that weekend.
At the age of 28, I injured my wrist in an accident at work. After years and multiple surgeries(including a wrist fusion) I still have troubles with it.
As I sit here writing this the tears are streaming down my face.
The point is, `What do I want from life and what is stopping me from getting it`?
It is myself that is stopping me from getting anything from this life.
It is myself that won`t let me go anywhere in life.
It is myself that can`t deal with problems in life.
It is myself that don`t know what the future holds.
It is my fault that I can`t move on to a better future.
It is me that is to afraid to let go of this dark and gloomy life for a better one.
Basically, I am afraid of what my future holds if I can`t get better at this depression stuff.