Hope people understand - suicide and self harm mentioned. Updated
A page in the diary "She who must be obeyed thinks she is always right!!!"
Written by studying1 29. May 2008 08:51 AM
Mention of self harm and suicide in this diary - don't read if sceamy.
It seems some deppies don't understand hubby and I. Hubby does 2 shifts taxi driving a week and one day volunteer work and I am on orders from my psychiatrist that I am not well enough to return to work/try work or uni becaue of mental illnesses and my chronic migraines. So that is the story of the studyings!!! I have four or 5 mental illnesses, that the psychiatrist is trying to treat. I have to discuss further with him about the change of a/d. I am scared because it took us so long to get me to where I am coping to the best of my ability with the luvox and now he wants to change the a/d to a new one to see if it is better for me. He won't do it until I am admitted to hospital so that won't be for a couple of months. The Panafen plus has been changed to a brufen and a panfen plus and will get me onto two brufen 3 times a day - like it used to be - got to watch for codeine withdrawal symptoms. I know my psychiatrist is doing what is best for me but I am just scared given the number of a/d we have tried before luvox worked. I want work done on the sleeping meds but he is not gong to do that until I have had my sleep study next Tuesday night to rule out aponea.
Migraine, meds and hopefully some sleep. The meds haven't kicked in so I came and read my emails and depnet comments/diaries. I have had breakfast when I had my migraine meds.
Gyps, thanks for your entries. I have reread all my diaries since the wedding and yes you are right, I did mention harming while I was with hubby/change my harming to different harming when he told me to stop. Self harming is part of my illness and has been with me for all my working life. The reason I didn't stay around when hubby had his blood test done is I faint at the sight of blood so it was better for me to be out of the room and not on the floor when the doctor took the blood. I am not good with blood tests and have to lie down for my own because I faint in the chair otherwise.
Sadface, I tried to help hubby this morning when he got up at 4 am to get ready to go to his memorial day. He came home last night and was not his quiet self and I really thought someone had broken in but it was him when I found him. Sadface, this is his work and I don't want to take his work and pride for what he does away from him so I don't go to the memorial days. For one suffering mental illness and has thoughts of suicide, it is not a good place to be. I think about the day during the day and hope he is having a good day and people are receptive to the White Wreath Association, Action Against Suicide and help them with donations.
Gyps - The topics you don't want me to talk about may be discussed from time to time. At the moment I need to get them off my chest because they are distressing me and hubby doesn't like to see me doing them. I have tried stopping but find it hard to do - like a smoker, I am addicted to the rush I get from them. I will try to limit how much I mention them in my diary and warn readers but when there is a need to discuss them, I need to do it. I know my life at the moment is in a rut again and that is why I want to go to Tasmania in July and see how we cope in the cold and Hubby wants to go to the coast for a week asap - his timeshare runs out in June. It is weeks like this week when I don't have any appointments and hubby doesn't go out in the afternoons that I am bored and a danger to us, in regards to the actions I do when I am with hubby.
I hope this all makes some sense to people and you better understand why I cannot work - psychiatrist won't give me a clearance to work or study and hubby is the income earner for us and we would be up shite creek if anything happened to him while he was working. I know he takes his life in his hands those two nights he works and I appreciate him doing it but sometimes I get concerned about him when you hear of taxi drivers being attacked.
Doona days I know are not a good thing but when you wake up so many times during the night/have a chinese bladder and you need to pee everytime you are awake and end up having only about 3 hours sleep in total, doona days are needed. I know as you said Sadface, I should be helping hubby out with the cleaning up and I do, I wash, do the dishwasher, vacumn, clean the bathroom and the toilets. I let him sleep when he is working.
Must have fallen asleep last night as I was tired from my meds but I was awake at 1.45, 3.15 and 4 am. Also doesn't help when hubby pulls all the blankets off you and you end up freezing cold.
I spoke to my psychiatrist about the suicide of the channel 10 newsreporter on Australian Story when I saw him last week. He said you need to have 6 fish oil tablets a day to help you and he doesn't have a problem if I try them. Thing is they are so big to swallow I know I won't get them down.
Take Care All!!!
Mrs Studying1
PS Gyps, I do realise there are a lot of young people now in depnet but I am having a problem with them mentioning harming and me mentioning harming. I am not saying where I do it in regards to my body but I do know I mention it gives me a thrill. As for Maple and fainting with the blood test, that is true for me and others I see who give blood. SH only gives me a small amount of blood, if any and some pain. That is what I enjoy from it the pain and if I am told by the moderators to stop referencing my diaries about sh I will start reporting the young people because they are in breach of the ettitquette as well. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I try not to mention sh in every diary and I think that is true - there is no mention in every diary and I don't like the fact I have had to justify my existence in depnet. What with the rogue and the court case which is still to be settled - get my money, I am still under stress that no one can understand, not even hubby. He tries which is good of him but he doesn't get it all and I don't get it all myself. I want to get better and the change in a/d will probably do it - just scared to go through all the problems I have experienced with the other a/d to try one when I feel I am coping ok with the a/d I am on.
I didn't realise this diary was going to get so many reads and comments/controversary. I don't want to cause problems with old/new deppies so if I am left alone, I will leave others alone, unless you are a rogue. I do mentiion my sh for me to question why I am doing it/what it is bringing me but obviously that is not coming through in my diaries. If I mention sh again, I will be questioning the benefit to me like babz did. I don't mean it to be representing a thrill/excitement. It is not that at all. It is a serious illness and needs serious treatment and the psychiatrist and psychologist are both trying to work on my harming. The psychiatrist has defined it as a narisstic personality and ocd personality.
Take Care All!!!
Mrs Studying1
PS I read the etiquette that I am supposed to have broken and I don't see anywhere in there about the thrill/rush from self harming. It says don't write about ways you self harm. I have not done that in any of my diaries and if Gyps you can find that then I will change the way I write about harming. Still seems a double standard for people in here and star is right, we have all breached the etitquette at one time or another so stop being high and mighty. As you say, you don't read all the diaries and if there is mention of self harm in my diaries, don't read it if it offends you because I can't see it breaching etitequette. Perhaps the moderators can decide this one.
Take Care All!!!
Mrs Studying1
Changing topic - Does anyone know if Mickm's wife has heard from him. Her diary entry has been deleted and I am very worried about her given what was in the diary entry???
Take Care All!!!
Mrs Studying1