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Feeling trapped again

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Written by babz 2. Jun 2008 07:10 PM

Well, I'm muddling along OK I guess. This week is the last week of uni for the semester, then I have two exams on the 17th and the 19th of this month. Isn't that going to be oh-so-much fun? For those of you playing along at home the correct answer is 'no, it won't'.

You see this semester has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride to say the least, so I haven't exactly been the most studious person on the planet. I've kept up with my sociology unit but in my international relations unit I've not done a lot of the readings and didn't go to about 1/3 of the lectures and have yet to listen to them (they are recorded online). My pdoc doesn't want me to do my exams, he wrote me a medical certificate with a big circle around the unable in the phrase 'Determination of ability to sit for an examination: the student is able/unable to sit'. I didn't think a circle could eat me alive so much.

I really don't want to lodge the medical certificate. I want to be able to function like a normal person, I want to be able to do what I used to be capable of. But I'm not a normal person and I can't do what I used to and that really hurts.

It is tempting to hand the certificate in, because then I will be able to sit my exams in the supplementary session in August and I will have had time to catch up on the work I missed in my international relations unit. I am having an internal war with myself between believing that I didn't do the work because I am legitimately sick and believing that I didn't do it because I'm just lazy. I don't know the answer, maybe it is a bit of both. Because I don't know the answer to this question, I don't know whether lodging the certificate is me using my illnesses to cover my ass, or whether it is giving me the breathing space that I am entitled too. I wish I knew. I wish I knew so much about myself, I'm sick of questioning the validity of everything I think, say or do. I hate it.

I think that perhaps putting at least one off until August is a good idea - my pdoc wouldn't have written the certificate if he didn't think it was legit and necessary. However the supplementary period is the week of nationals. Nationals are the Saturday/Sunday and we usually fly to the host city early on the Thursday for official trainings - meaning that there is a possibility that my exams will be scheduled on a day I'm supposed to be in Brisbane. Having to choose between Nationals and Uni is another can of worms that I just don't want to open.

But then I'm worried that if I put the pressure on myself to prepare for my exams that I will think I have no way out and feel completely trapped. Uni has made me feel like that twice before, and it lead me to feel I had no way out and I tried to commit suicide. I don't want to go there either.

So what is seemingly a simple decision brings into play so many thoughts and feelings about myself and what is important to me: uni, my health, nationals, am I hiding behind my illness as an excuse for laziness?

Even just having to make this decision I feel trapped. It seems that either way it at least has the realistic potential to be a lose-lose situation. Add to that the fact that I am struggling living on my own as well as being physically ill and I find myself contemplating destructive behaviours again.

I'm trapped, but I don't want to be, I want to be free. I want to be me again, and I want to know who that me is. It is starting to seem more and more that this is just a utopian dream and that I'll never actually get there. I'm trying to keep the faith, but its just so hard right now.

I won't do anything stupid. If I can withstand the urges for chocolate right now, I can withstand anything.

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Comments from the community:

"Uni has made me feel like that twice before, and it lead me to feel I had no way out and I tried to commit suicide. I don't want to go there either."

I think there's your answer right there babz, you wrote it yourself. If you are feeling that pressured by Uni at the moment I think it would be wise to listen to your psych and hand in the certificate, get yourself feeling better and aim to sit the exams at a later date.

I know that it "may" clash with the nationals, but it may not too, just concentrate on the now and worry about the rest later.

Take care,

Karen xxx

Written by fly, 2. Jun 2008 07:23 PM

Hey hun,

I was feeling the same way about a couple of days ago. I have two subjects which need a lot of reading and memorising work. I was going to sit for the supplementary as well, but I don't know what happened. I am going to sit for the exam anyway and if i dont pass, sit for the supplementary.

I cant give you a decision. Thought I share my experience - hope it helps

Love
wd

Written by WhiteDove, 2. Jun 2008 08:47 PM

Babz

The doctor has written the medical certificate fore a reason and you know that reason - you are not well enough to sit your exams. First hand experience - when a psychiatrist says don't do something and marks it on the university paper it means what they mean - no exams. I had that with mine when I had problems with my course and I had to withdraw without academic penalty. Hun, take notice of what has been said and hand in the medical certificate.

The only problem is that you may have started second semester when you do your exams and you still may not have done enough preparation because you have not caught up. The important thing is to do the study over the holidays/while you are in rainy Brisbane for your nationals and during the beginning of second semester. It may be hard for you but you will get through it. I have and I speak from experience.

Go Babz!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 2. Jun 2008 09:06 PM

Babz. I am not a believer in giving up on things or putting things off or setting oneself up for futher losses. Both Nationals and Uni are important to you so you should have a go at both. 2 weeks is long enough to study if you knuckle down, all the notes don't have to be caught up on perfectly in reality. You could just listen to the lectures, take some notes on important points only instead of your usual perfectionism and study study study. Read through your stuff once only but summarise, all these things are time savers. Think of how much better you will feel when it's over and you just have Nationals in front of you, which I am sure you will highly enjoy. Exams are unpleasant and it's too easy to put them off if we have a reason, but they are still there stressing us out. Just because you heven't had perfect study habits doesn't mean you won't pass. Determine whether you can possibly know your work well enough in that time and use that to make your decision.
Good luck.

Written by maple, 3. Jun 2008 08:36 AM

U'll know if they clash with finals-u may b stressin needlessly.
From wot Ive red in yr posts u hav 3 main faults in yr studies-
1- u tend 2 leav things 2 th last minute
2- u appear 2 ova research & end up with SO many notes u dont know where 2 start

Written by Gyps, 3. Jun 2008 01:01 PM

3- u doubt yr own ability!

I dont call u a brainiac 4 nothin u know! Lol

I think u expect perfection so coz yr not fully prepared yr doubting yr ability 2 pass. Realistically, wot score do u NEED 2 pass?
Most ppl struggle with Uni judging from all th

Written by Gyps, 3. Jun 2008 01:04 PM

Things u hear & read, so if they struggle y should it b any different 4 u?
Do u even hav any idea th scores all th other ppl in yr lectures get? 4 all u know there r ppl gettin far worse scores than u & they prob dont even hav dep or BPD! So y dont u cut

Written by Gyps, 3. Jun 2008 01:08 PM

Yrself sum slack?
Its normal 2 struggle on yr own wen u 1st move outta home. Hell Id moved outta home 10yrs b4 I actually LIVED on my own & my god did I struggle! Still do 2 a certain extent. Its a whole new experience & it'll take time but u'll b fine
xx

Written by Gyps, 3. Jun 2008 01:12 PM

Hmmm screwed up, lost th 1st 1 lol
I like wot Maple rote & was wonderin wot Ud tell WD if SHE rote this post.
C if u can find out wen make up exams r so u'll know 4 sure if they clash with finals, u may b stressin needlessly.

Written by Gyps, 3. Jun 2008 01:18 PM

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