The worst feeling in the world!
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 27. May 2008 07:34 PM
Warning: there is a mention of self-harm in here. Nothing graphic or specific, but don't read it if you think you may get distressed.
Today was an average sort of day - uni, pdoc, physio and had to pick my car up at the mechanic. But I've been fairly sick lately, coughing, running nose, sore throat, and it is rapidly getting worse, so this evening I went to the pharmacy to get some cough medicine to get me through until I have time to go to the doctor.
For those not in Melbourne the weather got very dark and rainy very suddenly. Anyway, I was driving in the carpark, then suddenly out of nowhere came a pedestrian. I slammed on the brakes but I still hit her. I wasn't going fast to start with, so I only nudged her, but I still hit her nonetheless(she is fine). My god, I have discovered the worst feeling in the world, and that was it. She apparently saw that I hadn't stopped at about the same time I saw her and she tried to jump out of the way with a look of terror in her eyes. That is what I think was the most shocking thing - seeing her jump out of the way like that.
She came up to my window and we were both gushing apologies to each other. I know it wasn't my fault, it wasn't a pedestrian crossing and to be honest it was a really stupid place to cross. I don't think it was really her fault either, I think it was just an accident. The fact she was wearing all black on a really dark evening didn't help matters, but I still feel horrible. I think it is human nature to feel horrible about hurting someone, whether it was your fault or not.
I was so freaked out. I got my stuff in the pharmacy and got back to my car just before I started to panic. I got home really slowly via the back streets and unfortunately my knee jerk reaction was to self harm. Then I got even more upset because I have no food and like hell I'm getting BACK in the car. All I have is vodka and rice crackers, so guess what I had for dinner? Then I got upset even more because I realised what I'd done (self harm wise, not driving into a person wise) and yeah. I feel pretty crap.
And I feel really, really alone. I know this is probably just shock but I feel really horrible, and it is very tempting to resort to old (bad) coping mechanisms. The aloneness stems from knowing that there is no one here to help me if I need it.
I will be ok, these are just feelings, and feelings alone cannot hurt me. I have had a fright and it is ok to be distressed, but I don't have to hurt myself. I wish I was as confident in what I've just written as I sound.