The move and moving on
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 23. May 2008 10:32 PM
Well, I'm in my new house now. I am fairly tired, but at the same time waaaaaaaaaaaay too excited to sleep.
I'm sad to have left my old house - I have lived there my whole life, and there are a lot of memories there (good and bad). Today I sat in the back yard with my dog just thinking about the house and the yard and all the memories. I thought of all the beloved pets that have passed on and are buried in the yard. I feel sad to leave them, even though they're probably nothing but dirt by now. When we were young, my brother and I each had a garden. We were allowed to plant whatever we wanted in there and looked after it ourselves. As we were loading my stuff on the trailer, I took the knife I use to self harm, took a shovel and dug the deepest hole I could in 'my' garden and buried the knife. I see it as symbolic - there are lots of things buried in the garden that hold memories (mainly pets, but some other things) that were a big part of my life. Just like I will never forget the animals buried in my garden, I will never forget the knife. I will however move on from it, just like I did from my deceased pets. I will hold the knife and what it symbolises in my memory as something that has shaped who I am today, but also as something that is now in the past, where it belongs.
Perhaps this sounds silly to you, maybe even creepy, but I felt I needed to do it. I have a chance to move on with my life now, and I am going to grab it with both hands and run. I don't expect that everything will be fine just because I am in a new house, but it is the beginning of my new life. I know I will have my down periods still, and I will probably (unfortunately) harm myself some time between now and when I am 'in remission' (so to speak), but this signals to myself that I have had enough of the suffering, that I am ready to learn from my illness and move on with my life. I am excited by the prospect of finding myself again.
I hope everyone is doing OK - I only have dial up internet until my ADSL is installed and so probably won't be around much for the next week or so, but know that I will be thinking of all my depnet family and wishing you all well.