Sad, but a rabbit out of my hat
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 13. May 2008 06:05 PM
Last night was a bad night. I wasn't strong enough and did some bad stuff, but I am OK today which I suppose is a good thing. I just couldn't stop crying and it hurt so much, I just needed everything to stop for a while.
Today has been rough as well. I woke up at about 11 and had to do some study as I had a test at uni today. I have spent all day compulsively checking my email to see if the coordinator has granted me an extension on my essay - no reply so far and I didn't have the guts to ask her in tutorial today.
I was supposed to go to a meeting for some World Vision stuff at a local high school, but I didn't know which campus it was. When the person didn't answer my call to try and find out where to go I spontaneously burst into tears and couldn't stop crying again. Took some valium and seroquel (appropriate doses) so that I wouldn't be such a mess that I couldn't go and do my test.
Forced myself to uni for the test which we marked in tutorial and I managed to pull a rabbit out of my hat - 75% which is a distinction. I'm pleased with that, especially given how crap I feel and that I was fairly sedated when taking the test.
I feel empty, and angry, and scared, and sad all at the same time. I see my DBT psychologist on Friday, the thought of what I have to get through before then makes me want to hide under the doona and never come out.
Oh well, life goes on and I don't have a choice but to force myself to keep up with it.