Sanity in an insane world
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 8. May 2008 11:27 AM
Early morning trainings started today. The world is so beautiful early in the morning. It was so peaceful driving to the rink in the dark with hardly anyone else on the roads. I was at the rink really early because I don't like being rushed when I prepare for on ice. It was just me and the manager there, and he was on the zamboni cleaning the ice. I love watching the way the cut up bad ice disappears under the zamboni and then reappears as glistening, smooth ice on the other side. It is quite hypnotic and very calming.
Because I was the first there, I was the first ready and so the first one on the ice. Nothing can quite describe the feeling of gliding around the rink on my own, the cold air flying passed my face, the only sound being my own breathing and the sound of my blades cutting through the ice. I don't know why, but everything and everyone else in the world just fade away into the background leaving just me and the ice. Nothing else matters. How could it? The ice doesn't care who I am. It doesn't care what degree I am studying, it doesn't care that I have a mental illness, it doesn't care what I look like or who my friends are.
I often feel as if the world around me is moving so much faster than I am. It is overwhelming, because it takes all my energy to just stay in the game, I have nothing left to give in order to keep up. I don't understand what is happening around me a good bit of the time. I struggle with understand instructions and lectures, often having to be told 2 or 3 or even 4 times. It frustrates me, because I was never like this before I got sick. I would be told something once and it would be stuck in my memory forever, often I would only have to be told half of it and could preempt the rest. I don't like feeling forgetful and it is disconcerting. When I skate it feels as though the world has slowed down, almost like suspended animation, and I have the sensation that the world and I are in perfect synchronisation. The peace this feeling brings is amazing.
Sometimes I sit there in pain, crying my eyes out, frustrated and ready to give up. I wonder why I do this, why I put myself through it. Now I remember why. I do it for the freedom, for the precious minutes where it feels as if everything is finally OK, for the seconds of sanity in an insane world.