What is the price of a dream?
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 2. May 2008 10:45 PM
I am struggling with skating. Well, I'm not personally struggling with it, my knee is. I am doing my physio diligently however skating stresses it a way that it isn't done on land and I invariably end up in incredible pain, gritting my teeth to get through the training session without showing any weakness.
Today was tough. My knee has been particularly sore anyway, and I had a longer session than usual yesterday and I was feeling it by today - was even having difficulty walking. Tonight's training was mercifully short, but my coach told me that I have to start morning trainings as well - 6am on the ice, meaning be there 5:45 which means out the door by 5:10. I don't mind, I really like the early morning practices - there is something so calming about gliding around when the world is still so quiet, but it means I have two long training sessions in one day - 6-8:30am and 4-7:30pm with a full day of DBT in the middle.
The problem is, I know I will do it, and I won't let anyone know that I'm struggling. Emotionally I am not doing well either. In fact I spent most of the last week trying to work up the courage to ask to be admitted again, but in the end it was skating that made me stay out. Being in hospital means no training. No training means no Nationals. No Nationals is not an option, not now, not after how hard I have worked. Nationals aren't till August - that's quite a while a way, and I know that my attitude isn't going to change. I've done it before - I put skating before everything else and all it got me was a cracked kneecap, a lot of anger and a one way ticket to the psych ward.
The easy solution would be to take the season off, perhaps realise that until my bipolar/BPD is under control that I'm not cut out for competitive sport. But skating is the only reason that I'm still fighting anymore, despite the physical pain it is the only thing that I truly love doing, and it's the only thing in my life right now that makes any sense to me. If I take that away, I'm terrified that I will go back to feeling completely empty and devoid of any meaning or purpose. Besides, there are things about skating that do legitimately help my recovery - it forces me to maintain a routine when I just want to sleep, it means I stick to my med schedule like glue cause there's no point going to training a zombie, it is great exercise (endorphins!), I socialise at the rink when normally I would hide away in bed, it is good practice of my DBT mindfulness skills and it means I have to make plans/set goals regularly. And getting a medal at nationals would just be a dream come true.
But what is the price of a dream?