Letting go of the past to move into the future
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 5. Apr 2008 07:15 PM
I had my birthday party last night, it was a very long day/night but I had a lovely time.
I left home to collect the helium tank/balloon frames at about 11:30 and got to the venue to begin setting up at about 12:30. Was frantically setting up until about 6:30 (had to air inflate 200 balloons and inflate 100 helium balloons), rushed home to get ready and made it to the party 6 minutes before the scheduled start.
It was so nice to see all my friends from all the various aspects of my life - relatives (old and new) skating, World Vision, school, church, even childhood friends. I did find the attention overwhelming at times, because as the birthday person everybody wanted to talk to me. I'm not shy, but I don't like lots of attention. Despite feeling bad that I couldn't spend much time talking to all the guests, I really did have a great night catching up with everyone. I didn't know that balloons and glow sticks could be such a great source of entertainment! I was very tired towards the end of the evening, thankfully almost everyone was gone by about 12:30 so we packed up and went home at about 1am. By this time I was overtired so I stayed up opening my presents :D
My favourite was from one of my friends who also has a mental illness. She lives in the same catchment area as me, so we both deal with the same public psych ward and CAT team. She gave me a basket with three soft toy kittens. In the card she wrote about how this was my new cat team that were soft and squooshy and would always look after me. It was so funny, but so thoughtful! I absolutely love it.
When I went to bed I was a little bit upset - ever since I got sick my 21st birthday was what I was hanging on for. I had been to some of my older friends' 21sts and really wanted to have one myself, but I was so depressed/suicidal that I didn't think I'd ever make it. Having my 21st birthday is what got me through so many of the lows. Now it was over and I found that to be quite overwhelming - both in a good and a bad way.
Today Mum and Richard went to the real estate agent to put an offer on a house with a 150 day settlement. I will not be going with them which means that if the offer is accepted (which seems likely) I will have 5 months to find a place to live. Mum and I have started working out the financial arrangements, now it is just a matter of finding the right place. I have found 1 place I like, but want to look at more before I consider making an offer.
I am excited about living on my own. I have enjoyed the last few weeks by myself, and I think it has done wonders for my recovery. I no longer feel like a needy, dependent person. I feel like a strong, independent person again, although unlike before I got sick I am aware of my limitations. I think the whole thing has been a wonderful experience. When I have gotten junk mail with homemaking stuff in it, I've been looking at them almost wistfully - wanting my own home. Maybe it is a symbol of stability and recovery, maybe it is my readiness to move beyond my illnesses - either way I think it is a good sign.
Today we had to take the helium tank back to the hire place. Mum was at the house, but when she wasn't looking I reinflated three balloons - one for each year of my illness - and hid them in my room. When I got back home I took them outside and released them one at a time. I stood there watching them float up into the clouds until they were tiny pinpricks up in the sky. Just as I let go of the balloons, I have finally let go of the last three years of suffering and pain and I am ready to move on. Maybe turning 21 really did make me mature?