Psychiatrist, future, knees and housewife
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 26. Mar 2008 08:19 PM
Since my psychiatrist increased my seroquel last week I have been feeling a bit better. Kind of numb, but at least numb means no bad stuff either. I saw him again today and he increased seroquel again as well as increasing my mood stabiliser. My regular psychiatrist is back from holidays soon which will be good, I have a lot to discuss with him.
In the session today we were talking about uni and he asked me what I wanted to do. I told him about the aid work. He asked me what I would do when I graduated and I said that I wanted to do the graduate program either with ausAID or World Vision. Because he admitted me to hospital in January he knows a lot about me (admissions to a hospital you haven't been to before are comprehensive to say the least) and he remembered my year 12 marks. Even though I didn't graduate cause I was in hospital and couldn't sit exams I got my internal assessment marks and got perfect scores in everything I did. He also remembered my previous uni marks. He told me that with grades like mine I shouldn't be thinking about a graduate program but about masters and doctorates. He told me I should think about becoming a teacher because he has such respect for educators (he is a professor himself). He then said that I should think about doing a graduate law degree, I told him that I had absolutely no desire to do law and he just completely shut me down - something about how I should keep my options open. It somehow came out that I had wanted to do medicine at one point and he started telling me that I should switch from sociology to biology and do a graduate medical degree. I kept trying to tell him that until I'm stable I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, but he wouldn't listen.
I know he meant well and that he was trying to find ways to get me excited about uni, but I was quite offended. I know I'm probably over sensitive due to being emotional, but it took a long time for me to realise/accept that I don't have to be a doctor or a lawyer to be successful, and I was really quite taken aback by the bluntness of what he said/how he said it. I find it flattering that he thinks I would be a great teacher or lawyer or doctor, but he sure hit me for six. I was proud of who I am and what I'm becoming, now I'm not so sure (yes, I'm aware this is classic BPD insecurity, still doesn't help). He has got me thinking though, maybe the reason I'm so shocked is because I had found my niche, my comfortable little box in my confused world and he shook it all up and rearranged everything. Reminded me of the ambitious me that could do anything.
Went to a new physio today - knee pain is really getting to me. She was recommended to me by a friend and works for lots of pro athletes, so I thought it would be worth a try. She has given me an extensive rehab program, and if after a few months if the problem has not resolved it'll be more surgery. Joys. At least she has a proper plan so hopefully it won't come to that.
I am living at home alone for the next few weeks, so I have been busy cooking for the next few days as I will be running around like crazy with skating and DBT so won't have the energy to cook. Also done a lot of obsessive cleaning as I have been frantically keeping my self busy because I'm scared that if I sit still then everything I have been running from will come up and hit me. I don't want that to happen.