"The loner who longs for the cadence of her last breath"
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 11. Mar 2008 05:07 PM
I saw that written on the table in the lecture theatre this afternoon. I saw that and my heart just dropped - I'm not sure whether it was a quote from something or something someone actually meant, but it was so beautifully poetic. If someone wrote it and meant it, I empathise with what they mean.
I went downhill over the weekend. I had a very long and testing day on Sunday as I did an advanced driver training course. After a day of being thrown around in a car and driving in ways that were incredibly anxiety provoking not to mention dangerous, I was left very vulnerable. In the evening I was watching So You Think You Can Dance with Mum, then when it finished I got up and came to my desk to do some work. I never wear shoes at home, so I was setting at my desk and my foot felt really wet. I rubbed it cause I had no idea why my foot would be wet, and I looked at my hand to see what it was - my hand was completely covered in blood! I looked at my foot, and the ball of my foot and just completely spontaneously split. The split was long, it was deep and it was bleeding a lot - I had to use steristrips just to keep it together.
It is such a stupid thing, but the sight of the blood set me off. I hadn't had a wound that bad since my cutting/getting stitches spree in December last year. I freaked. Then suddenly all the physical pain that I had been ignoring in my knees and ankles from skating and my head from banging it a lot in the driving course just hit me with the force of a truck.
I was getting really distressed so I hopped in the shower in the hope it would calm me down, but then I couldn't keep repressing the memories of my accident which were brought up by the course. I was in the shower when I started having full on flashbacks.
That was the last straw. I was a wreck, I was in so much pain I couldn't even stand up let alone walk. I was so upset/distressed that I couldn't do anything else. I snapped and did some really stupid stuff.
I'm medically OK, but I'm physically emotionally dead. I don't have the resilience to get through a normal day anymore. I had a trial shift at a cafe this morning, and I practically started crying when I mucked up a coffee order. I got through my first hour of uni OK, struggled through the second hour and by the third hour I was a complete basket case. I sat there in my tutorial like a zombie - I couldn't say anything even if I had wanted to.
My whole body is aching, I was practically in tears in the car on the way home and it takes a lot of physical pain to do that. I can't be bothered doing anything. Like WhiteDove I am struggling to see the point in struggling on and thinking positive and going to uni and getting a job. It's so hard and it hurts so much. I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow, hopefully he will help me talk some sense into myself.
I have dance and skating tonight, but I'm too tired, too sore and honestly I just can't muster the energy to get out the door. I hate going from being able to do everything to not being able to do anything so quickly. And why am I a basket case? Because I accidentally split my foot. I feel like a three year old.