Read diary

I should be happy, but I'm numb

A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 1. Mar 2008 04:09 PM

The last few days have gone well, but for the most part I feel very numb. I am almost constantly having headspins and feeling very weak/faint, so this is a sign that I am starting to dissociate again - not really a good thing.

Mum and I are discussing my living arrangements - one idea she has suggested is that she buys a unit for me to live in and I become her 'tenant' but with minimal rent and a more flexible lease arrangement, at least until things become more stable. I feel this is very generous of her, and I like the concept. Private renting isn't really an option as I don't have much time to work - between Uni, DBT and psychiatrist/psychologist appointments I don't have much time during normal business hours. Also, if I had to go into hospital again (not that I want that to happen) I would be in a lot of trouble. I really want to start living independently - I feel it is time for me to become more responsible for myself, and this seems like it would be a workable option. We went to an open for inspection this afternoon, because we noticed that our old unit was up for sale - we lived there for 10 months when I was 2-3 years old after Mum left Dad. I don't know whether it was because of this, or because the decorating was very homely, but I felt comfortable there, which I haven't in the other OFIs I've been to.

I went to a job interview this afternoon at a Juice Bar/Cafe in a shopping centre. It went well, and I didn't stuff up the coffees this time - I have a trial shift tomorrow. The lady in charge was desperate for someone who could make coffee, so she seemed very reasonable about working my hours around my uni, DBT and skating commitments. I hope the trial goes well tomorrow.

Despite all of the things that are going well, I seem unable to be excited by it. I'm not depressed either, I just feel numb. I know the patterns of thoughts/behaviours that lead to up to a major crisis, and I know that this is not a good sign - I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, I'll talk to him about it. Hopefully this time I have caught my symptoms early enough to avert a crisis.

« Prev page | Next page »

Comments from the community:

Babz

If you feel comfortable in the unit and not in the other ofi's, then it is the right one for you and you should make an offer. You know when you are in the right place - it feels good to you and this one sounds like it.

Hope the numbness is not the DBT and you and the psychiatrist can work on it on Monday and as you say, caught it before anything major happens.

Good on you for getting a shift tomorrow and having an employer who will work around your commitments. Very rare these days.

Just remember being by yourself can make things worse for you if you are not well so some company may be a good thing. You could take in a student as a boarder because you don't want to be alone and do silly things that put you into hospital. Please think about that.

Go Babz!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 1. Mar 2008 04:18 PM

Gonna b a few comments here-gotta luv mobiles lol-thank christ Im gettin th net connected on wed!
Well done on th interview! Just make sure u get paid 4 yr time, u gotta watch sum of em with th trials, they use it as free labor! Just shows it only takes a

Written by Gyps, 1. Mar 2008 05:26 PM

Few goes makin coffee 2 get it down pat again! If u get it let me know which centre!
Its incredibl wot yr mums offered 2 do 4 u! 4 sum reason I didnt think u guys got along... If it feels rite then go 4 it, it'll make a world of diff 2u havin yr own place

Written by Gyps, 1. Mar 2008 05:32 PM

& I wonder if sum of yr "childish behavior wen u go off tap" will stop simply coz there'll b no1 2c it?(not havin a dig) I think it'd b a time of growth 4u & I think yr ready 4 it, told u a while bac Ud grown up by sum of th realisations Ud made ;-)
With

Written by Gyps, 1. Mar 2008 05:38 PM

Wot Uve written bout th dissociation its wonderful u can recognise it & know wot its a warning of! Once again it shows how far Uve cum! B proud xxx
Do u know Y yr havin these symptoms again? Isnt it wen things r 2 much 4u 2 deal with so u switch off? Wots

Written by Gyps, 1. Mar 2008 05:43 PM

Troublin u Babz, wots th trigger? It sounds like u HAV caught it early so hopefully with th rite intervention it wont become a full blown crisis. While this post can seem 2b troublin there r SOO many positives in it & Im SO proud of u!
Stay safe
Mmmwa
xxx

Written by Gyps, 1. Mar 2008 05:48 PM

Good not being excited = not being anxious. Good luck.

Written by wirralie, 1. Mar 2008 09:54 PM

Hey babz

hang in there, your symptoms and your actions around them sound really good, you are learning to recognise and deal with things as they come up, go for it, keep strong.

This numbness will hopefully pass

Take care and do what you are oing, you are doing all the right things
just keep going

Liz

Written by keller, 2. Mar 2008 03:32 PM

About depression	Help with depression	Help for relatives	Society	DepNet Community	My Depression