Just nothing. Forcing through
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 27. Feb 2008 08:24 PM
I struggled to get through today. I was home alone the whole time, with nothing on, nothing to get me out of the house. I thought of a dozen things that I could do, but they didn't absolutely need to be done today, so I couldn't be bothered. Today was one of those days where the silence is deafening, the emptiness is overwhelming and the darkness blinding. The minutes seem to last for hours and the hours last for days. I just can't be bothered with anything - I didn't even go skating again for the 2nd time this week. Didn't go to dancing either. I know this is probably just a symptom of a nasty case of burnout, but I fought most of the day to not swallow boxes of tablets - I'm not entirely sure why, as I don't want to die. Perhaps a way to fill the emptiness. I did force myself out for a walk this evening though, that was pleasant, but didn't make me feel much better.
Tomorrow is a new day though, and I have my DBT group which I will go to - if nothing else I will at least be out of the house and with people I like. I already have my skates in the boot of my car - after DBT I will drive to the shop and get the blades sharpened then go to training as I need to work on what my coach was telling me last week before my meltdown - many of her criticisms will hopefully be helped when my blades are no longer blunt. I am hoping that in time I will let go of the completely unrealistic expectations that I hold of myself as well as the vengeance/hatred towards my ex coach and some of my ex teammates.
I still can't get my head around the fact that the same pig-headed stubbornness that gets me out of the house in the depths of depression is the very same that puts me there in the first place...