My horrible night and public breakdown
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 22. Feb 2008 08:31 PM
I went to skating yesterday. The sessions usually go from 4pm-7:30pm with a 15 minute ice resurface starting at 5:45. I made it until the ice resurface before I had to go home. I just felt so ill - I was dizzy, nauseous, I couldn't get my body to do what I wanted it to do, and I would change very quickly from being overheated to shaking because I was so cold. I decided I was tempting fate if I stayed, so at the ice resurface I called it quits. As I was taking my skates off I saw one of my former teammate's Mum (who has a BIG problem with me) pointing at me and talking about me in that all too familiar way which tells me that yet another person is going to know the ins and outs of my mental health.
I made some lame excuse as to why I was going early, got in the car and drove home trying hard to keep it together. At home I lost it a bit. I was very angry, upset and hurt because I have done nothing wrong - the only person I have ever deliberately hurt is myself, I would never willingly hurt another person, and I don't deserve to be treated like a murderer.
I got very bad last night - I drank a fair bit, took too many tablets, self harmed and eventually passed out/went to sleep, I'm not too sure which.
Woke up this morning feeling pretty crap. Didn't do anything of any interest until I went to skating. I was a bit apprehensive, because Fridays are synchro days, and so that's where the pressure is on cause it's nationals training.
Went along, to find that my three biggest fans were at the rink today - my ex captain, his sister (who was on the same team as us) and their father. If looks could kill, I'd be dead about 10 times over today alone. Singles session went OK, then synchro came along and I started off really well, but I slid pretty fast. The coach had to keep pulling me aside and telling me what I was doing wrong. Pretty soon the pain and general feeling crap after last night was overwhelming and I got emotional. I narrowly managed to avoid bursting into tears about 5 times, until half an hour before the end of training and I just lost it. I had a complete breakdown, right there on the ice for everyone to see. I got off, walked into the empty change rooms and sat there crying uncontrollably until the end of the session.
Coach came down afterwards and was asking me why I was so down - she knows about my health as she is one of the Victorian judges, so was at all the training sessions for my other team. I told her it was just a bad day and that it had nothing to do with skating at which point she grabbed my arm, and gesturing to my scars asked in a particularly accusatory tone 'and where they just a bad day too?'. She then proceeded to give me the suicide lecture, so there was no chance of me telling her that I was just upset because I felt so crap from trying to kill myself the night before. I told her the first thing that came to mind - that I was upset about all the gossip going on about me.
Oh my god - of all the things I could have said, why did I have to say that? She started talking to me about how I just have to ignore them and get on with doing what I love doing - I felt like I was in prep crying to the teacher that the other kids were being mean to me. Then she told me that if I couldn't handle criticism that I need to tell her upfront how she needs to treat me. I don't need to be treated differently, I was having a bad day, that's all. Everyone has them, no one is immune, but I felt so ashamed. I left feeling about two inches tall. This was about 45 minutes after I'd walked off the ice, and I was still crying. I cried the whole 45 minute drive home too. I was contemplating not even coming home, just driving, but then the thought of driving randomly around the country in just my skating dress snapped some sense into me and I came home.
I'm upset, I'm distressed, and I really, truly hate myself. 7 years of ice skating and I have NEVER walked out on a session before. I am weak, I am a failure. I don't know if I can do this for another 6 months, but I know I will be even worse if I walk away after finally qualifying again. I seem to be very much in a lose lose situation.
Skating isn't supposed to do this to me, it is supposed to be fun, not leaving me wishing that I was dead.