*POP* - that is my bubble being burst
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 21. Feb 2008 02:28 PM
Today was DBT group. We had an exercise where we had to go walk around Richmond individually and take notice of our judgements. Most of us just walked to the park, and started talking, because we have already done the mindfulness (we did observe our judgements too). One of the girls asked me how my ice skating was going and I told her about my being selected for nationals. Then another of the girls asked me if I was seriously an ice skater, I told her I was - turns out she used to be a roller skater. Not only a roller skater, but a synchro roller skater, and she used to go to nationals too (it is for synchro that I am going to nationals).
There is a girl on my new who has just converted from roller synchro to ice synchro, so I asked the girl at DBT if she knew this girl.
Well, it is safe to say that she definitely knew this girl - this girl bullied her for 10 years. She went on to tell me how horrible and bitchy my new teammate is - my skating bubble is officially burst. Last week she seemed nice enough to me, very opinionated, but still nice enough. I could easily see how that would soon turn to bitchiness though, and I am terrified. The bitchiness on my last team contributed massively to my melt down, and did nothing whatsoever to help my recovery. I am terrified that the only good thing in my life will quickly turn back into the worst thing in my life.
Suffice to say, I am dreading going to skating tonight and tomorrow. It takes a lot to make me not go to skating, but I am seriously contemplating walking away right now.
I spoke to my psychologist yesterday about whether he thought me training for nationals was a good idea or not (he saw what it did to me last time) and he said he thought I was setting myself up for a big setback. Deep down I think there is some truth in what he said, but I decided I would at least talk to my coach about it first - I think I owe myself that much of a chance. For that reason, I am not going to walk away right now. I am going to give my new teammates the benefit of the doubt - after all the DBT girl quit skating quite a while ago. I am also going to give myself the benefit of the doubt, and trust that I have learnt my limits and will be able to tell when enough is enough.
Despite this, I am terrified. I don't want to fall again - on or off the ice.