Tired but content
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 18. Feb 2008 09:02 PM
The weekend was pretty bad - not emotionally, just physically. On Saturday I was exhausted from all my skating, but I went to my yoga class because I find it to be very relaxing. After yoga I went out to a pub with some friends - I obviously didn't drink because I am still a P plate driver. I got home at about 1am absolutely exhausted and as I was brushing my teeth I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. I looked ghastly. My face was white as a sheet, my pupils were huge and I had massive bags under my eyes. I then realised what I was doing to myself with all this training, so I went to bed and took away anything that could wake me up the next morning.
Woke up at the blissful hour of midday, but I wasn't feeling very blissful. I was exhausted, everything hurt and I felt like I was made of lead. Bummed around for about an hour and a half, then I had to go post some letters. Walked over to the post box, which I kid you not is across the road and two doors down, came back and was so utterly exhausted that I fell into bed and slept for 3 hours. Woke up again feeling pretty horrible and realised I really need to start eating more if I'm going to keep up with the training.
Ate quite a lot at dinner (but healthy stuff), but I felt so guilty for eating a lot without exercising, so I went for a walk. Got back completely exhausted, everything aching and went to bed again.
Today I'm still sore, I'm pretty much surviving on Voltaren at the moment. I had DBT one on one today - got on with the new psychologist much better this time. I was talking to him about how skating gives me so much, but at the same time takes so much back from me. We talked about my weekend and how I had worked myself to the point of exhaustion.
Then, despite my body's complaints I went off to skating. I was so tired that I couldn't do any jumps because I just did not have the energy to get myself off the ice, and if I did I couldn't do the proper amount of rotation cause I couldn't get high enough. Got there just before 4pm and managed to stick it out until just after 7pm but then after a nice splat on my ass everything hurt too much so I piked and left half an hour early.
Everything hurts, but by the same token I am happy - not BECAUSE of the pain, but in spite of it. I'd forgotten what it felt like to know that I belong somewhere. However there are alarm bells going off in the back of my head, because I realised that not only is what I am doing not sustainable, but it's downright dangerous - in terms of both my physical health and, more importantly, my mental health. Then irrational me comes along and tells rational me to stop killing my buzz and that I can worry about that stuff later.