I MADE IT!!!!!!
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 15. Feb 2008 08:31 PM
Yesterday I realised that I need more social contact. Before I got sick I was very active with a group called Vision Generation - it is the youth branch of World Vision. Today Vgen (as it is affectionately known) was holding a media stunt for a launch of one of World Vision's new campaigns. So I got up at an ungodly hour, dressed myself head to toe in green and spent the day wandering around the city with my friends and a tree posing for 5 zillion photos. I had fun. Doesn't make my decision of nursing versus aid work any easier.
Since I've gone back to skating I've been in so much pain - ankles, shins, knees and feet. There are no words to describe how much everything hurts. Anyway, I though perhaps before I went back to the sports doctor that I would see if my orthotics need adjusting. Today had an appointment with the podiatrist who essentially said that if I keep skating, my body is going to be completely screwed. Joy.
Now, since I am such a good patient, I obediently had my feet recast for new orthotics to try and prevent some of the screwed-up-ness. Then I drove to skating. Sometimes I have to laugh at how stupid I am. Also at the irony that the thing that makes me so happy and makes so much sense is causing me so much damage.
Today was my first training back in synchro since my injury in 2005. The last 1.5 weeks I've just been doing solo stuff. So I rocked up at the rink for the singles session to practice jumps and spins and stuff before synchro and there were 2 skaters that I used to be on a team with. Rach I still talk to, the other person there is one of the ones who had me thrown off the team. So in I walk, I hadn't seen them since all that crap went down in 2006, they saw me and got straight off the rink and went home. Their parents kept walking passed me glaring at me. I'm sorry, but I really don't remember the time that I went to training with a loaded machine gun and held everyone hostage. I also don't remember having some exotic contagious disease either, but hey - I'm crazy, what would I know? (please note the sarcasm). If they want to be a three year old, that's fine - it'll be their skating that suffers, not mine.
Singles session went well, got all my jumps back which was exciting, then began synchro. Oh God, that was a shock to the system. It was awesome and terrible all rolled into one - my borderline brain can't handle that :P Long and short of it is - I'M GOING TO NATIONALS.
For some unknown reason I got in the car after skating and started bawling my eyes out - not because I was sad, but because it was just such a intense feeling to know that I'd made it again. Then, and this is the really confusing part, I really wanted to hurt myself. I didn't, but the urge was definitely there. Shows how much I like to sabotage myself I guess.
Driving home I had to fight the urge to call up the person that left the rink and say something along the lines of "Hello? Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I self harm, but I'm sorry, who is it that's going to nationals this year? Oh that's right, it's ME. Oh, and guess what? I didn't have to sell out my teammates and friends to do it. So, basically, I just called to say a big 'fuck you' and the joke's on you'. However, my DBT 'wise mind' was telling me this wasn't a good idea, so I just did a victory dance inside my head instead - didn't stop me from taking IMMENSE satisfaction in the fact that I have officially stuck it to everyone that screwed me over.
I am proud of myself, because I didn't give up on making it back to the top. However it does make me wonder, why is it that my determination to get back on top of skating never wained, whilst my determination to get back on top of my life failed so many times... Strange, huh?