Attitude and fear
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 11. Feb 2008 08:54 PM
The problem with my condition is that I don't seem to respond well to meds - this means that my meds are changed regularly thus leaving me with boxes of tablets that I haven't used. I inevitably end up being prescribed the tablets again, so I don't throw them out. Last night I was so desperate to go to sleep with no nightmares or flashbacks or anything that I took a bit of a cocktail of meds - mogadon, valium, seroquel and stilnox. Yes, I know I'm naughty, but I was desperate. Anyway, I achieved my goal, and woke up just in time to go to my 1 on 1 DBT session.
For these sessions we have to feel out a diary card - basically each day you have to record the intensity of various emotions, whether you self harmed, 'used' (prescription drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol, etc) and other cheerful stuff like that. So under yesterdays box I ticked prescription drugs. Psychologist asked about this, and I turned into stubborn Barbara. It takes a lot for me to open up to someone, and this was only my third session with him - the first two were spent doing 'housekeeping' things, so I don't really know him well and wasn't comfortable opening up. He asked me if I knew what had happened to Heath Ledger with his accidental overdose, and I turned on the attitude. I argued with him a lot and got very frustrated.
I told him off for being patronising and treating me like I was a naughty child, and he said a lot of stuff - most of which pissed me off even more - until finally I told him why I did it just to make him shut up.
I know he's just doing his job, and that it's part of the DBT, but damnit he really gave me the s***s. I miss my old psychologist - I had a rapport with him and I trusted him. I know that in time I will develop a rapport with new Daniel (both of them are called Daniel, which makes it confusing), because it took me a while to stop being stubborn Barbara with old Daniel.
Went off to skating this afternoon. Nothing like a little bit of mind numbing pain to shake off the effects of taking a sedative/hypnotic medication cocktail. My ankles are ridiculously swollen and completely purple, my knee which I had the surgery on is all bruised and swollen too. It hurts to walk, I can't wear shoes, but I feel happy. It is not because of the pain that I'm happy, it is because I go two hours of freedom, where I got to shake off the shackles of this stupid disease and just be completely free.
I saw Kelly today too - she and I were on the same team for the 2005 nationals team. I hadn't seen her since 2006 when I quit because of my injury and also because I was being treated like dirt as word of my illness had gotten out. For the rest of this story to make sense, you need to know that I only started cutting in visible places after I left skating. Anyway, Kelly and I were mucking around and laughing as we do, and she came up to me, grabbed my arm and started tracing my scars with her finger and asked me what happened. She's only 13, so when the whole saga with me being in hospital happened she was 11 and nobody really told her what was going on - she knew I was in hospital, but that's about it. I explained to her that I cut myself, and that was partly why I was in hospital for so long. She was curious, but I don't think she really understood.
Kelly asking me about it doesn't worry me - she's a nice girl and she's not the type to judge, but it reminded me what I'm in for. When I first injured myself and the paramedics had to carry me off the ice, my Mum had to tell them that I was in hospital for multiple suicide attempts - some of the team members heard, and gossip spread. When I recovered and was back on the ice, the parents of a number of the skaters made a huge fuss to the coach - they didn't want their precious children skating with a psycho. They even held meetings about me. I was completely humiliated, demeaned and I felt absolutely worthless - after I found out about all of this I quit the team and didn't go back until last week.
I usually wear a compression bandage to help the scars, but I can't wear it at skating, because people need to be able to hold firmly onto my arm and the bandage slips. I'm absolutely terrified that on the new team I'm going to have to go through the humiliation again. Through parents refusing to have their children skate next to me in case they catch my crazy, through being stared at and gossiped about. I don't want any of that crap, I just want to be able to do what I love. I want to be allowed to skate - why is that so hard?