Confused, angry, happy, I DON'T KNOW!
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 10. Feb 2008 05:33 PM
Training on Wednesday went very well - so well that I got asked to join the synchro teams, the teams that go to nationals. Initially I was very excited, but then I remembered all the horrible things that skating did to me, and now I have some reservations as to whether I want to go back to the life of an elite athlete, or whether I just want to do it for fun and for the minor competitions. I'll think about that one some more.
Thursday I had DBT group, but I just couldn't focus. I was highly agitated and I had some serious attitude. I got frustrated at everything and everyone. I also booked the function room for my 21st birthday in 6 or so weeks which is pretty exciting.
By Friday I was so over driving that I went back to catching public transport everywhere, haha. I printed out all the invites and started sending them out. I also went to uni to hand in the paperwork to get my academic penalty removed. Friday night I went out with Andy, his boyfriend Chris and their friend Brent (I was 'filling in' for his boyfriend Ryan who had to work). First we went out to dinner, then we went to see Monty Python's Spamalot. The show was absolutely brilliant, and I had a great night.
Got home early Saturday morning and couldn't wind down. Eventually I went to bed and tossed and turned for a while and was thinking of lots of not-so-nice things. After a lot of assistance from sleeping tablets and seroquel I got off to sleep. Woke up at midday and just could not face getting out of bed. I was so weepy and depressed, but also very agitated and angry. Took my whole day's worth of seroquel and went back to bed. Woke up at about 6pm and contemplated taking more tablets but decided against it. Mum and Richard were out so I bummed around the house then finally dragged myself out for a walk. Walked around the neighbourhood thinking very grumpy, angry and/or depressing thoughts.
Spent the night doing I'm not quite sure what in order to stop myself chasing a box of seroquel with a bottle of vodka. Then started going through the digital photos on my computer looking for ones for my 21st photo board. In the middle of my going through my digital albums, I got an email from a friend.
Some of you that have been around for a while might remember me writing an entry fairly distressed about how a man I worked with in Ethiopia was sick. Anyway, this was an email from him and reading it made my skin crawl. This is what it said...
'Hey dearest Barb,
It is SO good to hear from you again and learn that you are feeling better. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT NEWS. Hallelujah! I was in field and acme back to office this Saturday morning, Ethiopia time. Good News! I dreamt about you last night. I seemed that you were here in Addis. I observed kind of reservation as if you don't know of me much that made me feel embarrassed, but fortunately for me you began giving smile. It seemed that I observed a lot of physical changes on you that who knew years back. It seemed we held lengthy talks that I cannot remember the details.
I love YOU, dearest Barb ( Sinjaalladha!)'
I got so utterly, insanely angry, and not matter how hard I try to explain why, I just can't. Just know that it had me really, really annoyed.
Went to bed fairly early, again thinking not-so-pleasant thoughts.
Today has been a reasonable day depression wise, but I have again been very angry and agitated. At least I've been very productive too. I was walking my dog, and was close to home when I saw a police car driving up my street. It took all my energy to not start screaming there and then. I hate police, so very much - odd considering I don't have a criminal record. Although after the way they treated me, and the insults they through at me, I don't think I can really be blamed.
So, to sum up the last few days, me = one very, very angry, agitated lady. I think I'm heading towards mania again, oh isn't that going to be SO much fun?!
Ladies and gentleman, I would like you to join with me in a resounding jeering of mental illness.