Scars - advice?
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 5. Feb 2008 08:13 PM
Went to see the surgeon about my scars and he drew on my arm what he was going to do to cut them out. Basically he will cut a strip of skin out of my left arm cutting out my 20 or so scars and will then sew it back together so I just have one long thin scar that will make it look like I just had a plate put in my arm or something. He said that it will fade very nicely like the scars I have that were stitched properly did. Even if it is a little bit visible, that's ok because it won't look like self-harm. I thought it would be a relief to have the surgery arranged, but I'm in two minds. On the one hand I'm glad to be able to destigmatise myself so that I can move on with my life and not have to literally wear my pain for anyone and everyone to see for the rest of my life. On the other hand, my scars tell my stories. Sure, they're not positive stories, and there is so much pain behind them, but they're still a part of my life.
I'm not sure whether getting them cut out isn't just at least partially me just wanting to run away from this part of my life. I'm still going to have a scar, but it won't be my scars, it won't tell the same stories. I don't know whether that is a good or bad thing?
Sometimes I like my scars, I wear them with pride, kind of like a badge that says "I'm f****d up and I'm not ashamed of it". I consider them as my tattoos, only they tell much more interesting stories. Some of the time I hate them, I notice people staring, and even when they're not I have myself convinced that they are. I am so sensitive to even the most innocent of comments about them. Once my trainer said to me 'hey, they've gone purple' and I got so embarrassed and self-conscious I didn't go to training for two weeks.
Whether it is the right thing to do or not, I would definitely notice they were gone, and in some wierd sort of way I think I might feel a bit 'not-me' without them - I've gotten so used to having them there, I can't really imagine what it was like when they weren't there.
I don't know whether my reservations are just fear - who can honestly say they wouldn't be nervous about having a 15cm wide strip cut out of the length of their forearm? - or whether they are legitimate 'maybe this isn't the right thing to do' reservations.
I'd really like people's opinions on this one cause you're all more objective than me - but please be nice as I'm not feeling brilliant. Also, spare me the lectures about how I shouldn't have put the scars there in the first place. This is about the future, not about the past.