Embracing the emptiness
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 3. Feb 2008 08:38 PM
On Friday I went to visit some of my friends in hospital. The lady whose room we were all sitting in and talking is right across the hall from a guy who I'd been to some groups with and kind of knew. As we were sitting there talking, they told me how this guy had overdosed the previous day but no staff knew. Then we heard what we thought was someone coughing in the shower. Then the nurses went into his room and were trying to wake him up, we knew something was wrong by now and P said that he had gotten his hands on some drugs and in group he'd been talking about suicde. The noise was still going and we thought they were making him vomit and that he'd be fine. Then came the oxygen, the resuscitation trolley and finally a code blue. After what seemed like hours the ambulance finally came and after what seemed like a few more hours we saw them take our friend out with tubes and wires. Last I heard he still wasn't breathing on his own.
The four of us sat there, all switching between crying our eyes out and being comforted to being the ones comforting the others crying their eyes out. Just holding on to each other because we didn't know what else to do.
I stayed way past visiting hours because I didn't want to go home, but the nurses were really good about it cause they knew me.
Ever since, I've been so deeply depressed. Sure, I've forced myself to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do, but when the sun sets, the blackness can't be pushed away. The blackness isn't just around me anymore, it has seeped into my soul again emptying me out. I don't want to feel anymore, I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.
What's the point in fighting? This illness tricks you into believing that everything will be ok, that you'll be ok, and then BANG, happiness is ripped out of your fingers leaving you lying on the ground screaming because you thought that this time, you would finally get to keep the elusive prize. No more, not again, I can't go through this again.