Angry, angry, angry
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 28. Jan 2008 09:51 PM
Went to visit my grandma today for 'Christmas' (she chucked a tantrum and wouldn't spend actual Christmas with us cause we were also going to my now step family's). She and my pseudo-grandma were both there and were in fine form. Now I know why I never feel good enough, cause they never hesitate to remind me of the fact that I suck. Nothing I do is ever right, if I go to uni then I'm going to be an academic idiot with no life experience, if I don't go to uni then I'm going to be doll bludger for the rest of my life. If I continue on the path I'm travelling to become an aid worker then I'm meddling in an issue that isn't my problem, however if I change career paths then I'm weak and a cop out. If I listen to my psychiatrist's numerous diagnoses of me then it's all rubbish and I'm being sucked in, if I say it's all crap then I'm being an ungrateful brat. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't and I'm fucking sick of it.
Once my grandma gets a few whiskeys into her, there's no stopping her, and in the world according to Joan, my 6th day out of hospital was the perfect time to announce to me that my Dad's death was actually a suspected suicide but her doctor convinced the police it was diabetes, but my grandma refused to let them do an autopsy to confirm this. I had been told he died peacefully of a heart attack. She also decided today was a perfect opportunity to fill me in on the details of my grandfather's last few days. He didn't slip away peacefully as I had been told - he was hallucinating, agitated, telling all the nurses that my Dad was shooting patients. Cause this is totally what I needed to hear when I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. Why not be done with it and just push me off Nanna dearest?
Then she went on to bag me out because apparently I don't have a reason to be sick and I should be able to cope just fine. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from screaming at her. She then went on to talk about me as if I wasn't there, appearing completely oblivious to the fact that I was sitting right next to her at the damn table. At least I know what she really thinks.
I hate her, she used to just annoy me with her hypocrisy, but she has crossed the damn line. I will NOT be belittled for being sick, I won't be made fun of, I will not be laughed at and I will NOT PUT UP WITH ANYONE CALLING ME A PSYCHO.