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Day two and it's even worse

A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 25. Jan 2008 10:17 PM

I don't get it. They wouldn't send a freshly detoxed alcoholic home with a bottle of vodka, or a recovering drug addict home with a bag of speed, so WHY send home me, the girl with a history of self-medicating and overdoses as big as the white pages, home with more than 300 tablets?!

I self harmed last night, because I couldn't stand how much I hated myself. This wasn't cutting, this wasn't something that could be stitched or bandaged. This was spiritual harm, that reaches down into your soul and tears you apart inside. I wanted pain, and I can certainly say mission accomplished on that front. Good on you Barbara you psycho.

So here I am, in a battle of wills with myself, playing mind games with myself - the two parts of me are at war with each other again and my-own-worst-nightmare Barbara is kicking nice Barbara's ass.

You know, I really believed when I came home that this time I would be able to accept myself and make the changes in my life that I know I need to make. I felt positive, and now I am fighting every minute to not take every one of those pills I was sent home with. I feel so torn, so confused. I feel as if I can't trust my emotions, that I never know if what I am feeling is real, if it is the truth, if it will actually still be there when I wake up.

I'm so tired of this. It's not that I want to kill myself, because I don't, infact that couldn't be further from the truth. It's that I want to kill all the crap that's inside me, as if taking all the pills will somehow just kill the illness and I will wake up tomorrow and be able to get on with my life. Oh well, I can dream can't I?

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Comments from the community:

Hey babz,

youre gonna be ok. You know that this will pass. Just imagine it like a storm that seems to blow you away – but you're a rock, you will still be there when the storm is long gone.

Don't hate yourself. You're a brave girl who's fighting hard.

Hugs
Luise.

Written by Luise, 25. Jan 2008 11:06 PM

This time prob WOULDVE been diff cept u had 2 deal with yr bed & u werent prepared 4 that.
U need 2 call th hosp as a mata of urgency & explain th situation so u can regain control b4 its 2 late.
Mmmwa
Gyps
xxx

Written by Gyps, 25. Jan 2008 11:30 PM

Babz

You know I am a harmer as well - even soul harming is not healthy. I'm with gyps. Call the hospital and get some control back, that you have seemed to have lost from the bed experience.

Go Babz!!!

Studying

Written by studying1, 26. Jan 2008 04:29 AM

Hey Babz ,
Dont know the issue with Barbara , but don't let it overtake all the good work you have achieved here .
You are loved and respected here ,and it already shows by the support you have gotten so fare,

Are you friendly with a neighbor that lives close by ?

To prevent temptation , you could give the pills to them and pop in now and again for enough for a few days only , I understand the dillema , I was sent home with 100 narcotics , and 100 sleepers ! I had a couple of good mates who hounded me daily to make sure I was ok

Anyway , just a suggestion , hope things go ok with you .

Sleep with angels,
Bryzy

Written by Bryan, 26. Jan 2008 12:46 PM

Sweety,

i was going to write a long comment but i am feeling very low at the moment. hang in there sweety.

love,
wd

Written by WhiteDove, 26. Jan 2008 06:20 PM

If only we could just kill this illness! Please dn whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. You are worth it!

Written by northrnbelle, 27. Jan 2008 12:33 PM

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