Day one and struggling badly
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 24. Jan 2008 03:26 PM
Last night I got quite overwhelmed as it finally sunk in that I was actually discharged, not just home on leave.
I never usually make my bed, the only exception being if someone is coming over or if I've just changed the sheets. I don't really see the point, cause I sleep like a tornado and the bed is inevitably completely unmade by the time I wake up. My walls are covered in pictures - and I mean completely covered, I would struggle to put another picture up as I just don't have ANY wall space. My room isn't messy, but it isn't super tidy either. This was the way I always liked it, it shows who I am through and through. I liked the busyness and the memories that adorn my walls, the understated chaos that was my room.
This was not the case yesterday. My walls seemed cluttered and overwhelming, my furniture too big and bold for the space it occupied, my belongings overwhelming in there number and disarray, my unmade bed which is usually my haven seemed dirty and scary. I found myself wishing for my room in hospital, with the clean white walls, all of my belongings tidied away neatly in their temporary homes. I didn't want to curl up in my bed with my soft worn in sheets, I wanted to slide in between the crisp white sheets of the hospital bed I'd painstakingly and meticulously made that morning.
So I decided that whilst it was too late to sort out my whole room I could at least put on white sheets and make my bed properly. I stripped off my bright purple doona cover, pillow case and sheets only to be greeted by a sight I did not need to see. When I was going through my cutting spree I would cut on my bed - I didn't want to stain anything so I would take off the sheets and doona cover just leaving the mattress protector and doona itself. I would then make the bed to cover up all the blood should mum come in, then go off to hospital to get stitched up. Usually when I got home I would strip the bed and dump everything in the washing machine with bleach, stain remover and detergent and let it soak for a while. Everything would be clean and dry by the time Mum was up and she was never any the wiser.
It appears that the last time I got home I neglected this step, so I was confronted by a mattress protector and doona that were COMPLETELY covered in blood. I'm not talking little spots, I'm talking entire patches that were saturated. This would be a little too much to deal with at any time let alone my first night out of hospital in three weeks. Angry and distressed I put everything in the washing machine - doona, mattress protector, pillow and all. I added about half a bottle of bleach and left it all soaking overnight.
There were no words for how much I hated myself. I walked back into my room and saw all the pills I'd been sent home with - nearly 300. Then I remember the knives and all the old pills I had stashed away and was completely overwhelmed. I didn't do anything, I didn't WANT to do anything, but I was just overwhelmed by the knowledge that I COULD have, that there was no one to keep me safe but myself.
I'm struggling today, really badly. I had to call Centrelink today, then I had to call Vic Roads and then I had to call tech support for my computer monitor. I had an appointment with my GP who is an hour away from me and I had to do the shopping. The world is much bigger, faster, noisier, angrier than I remember and I don't like it. Took my afternoon pills, and as I was, I remembered how easy it would be to just keep taking them - not to die, just to sleep, to get some peace. No bad dreams, no tears, no blood, no pain, just for a while...
I know this is 'normal' for coming out of hospital but that doesn't help. I'm so tired, I'm so stressed, I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know what to do.