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I'm STILL my own worst nightmare

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Written by babz 12. Jan 2008 11:46 AM

I'm on leave again today. After my leave on Wednesday I got back to hospital and was so freaked out that I had to be heavily sedated, so my doctor has got me going out as much as possible (without interfering with therapy program) so the transition back to the 'real' world isn't any harder than it needs to be. I'm still feeling pretty sedated, so apologies if parts (or all) of this don't make sense.

I'm still on the Seroquel, but my doctor has added Tegretol (mood stabiliser) as well. It isn't working yet, but it apparently takes a while. I'm getting really sick of these mood swings.

I'm getting sick of the whole hospital thing, I really am. I still don't understand WHY in the name of all that is good they need to wake me up at 7:30 when nothing happens until 10:30 on weekdays or at all on the weekends. The days are long, and they are boring. I have started coming out of my room a bit and sitting with the smokers - I decided the second hand smoke was worth the company.

I'm really kicking myself for forcing myself to do my summer uni subject - I am totally going to fail. I haven't done ANYTHING and the exam is in three weeks (worth 40%), quiz in two weeks (10%) and 2500 word essay due on Monday (50%). I called the unit chair and explained the situation and thank god he was one of those lecturers that is actually human as well. He said that as long as I have the paperwork from my doctor (which I do - and I hope my doctor tried to make it sound worse than it is, cause what he wrote is really, really depressing) that it can be sorted out that I have as long as I need, except for the exam.

That is a huge weight off my shoulders, but I still feel really guilty. When it comes to my expectations of myself, I feel as if special consideration is a cop out. In reality, I know it isn't, but I can't help beating myself up about it. I am also reaching that stage where I feel like I'm being a cop out in hospital. Like 'oh, I feel horrible, I'm going to block it all out by taking a PRN'. I'm my own worst nightmare, and I know that when used correctly PRN medication is a valuable part of treatment, but I can't help but beat myself up for being weak. I'm also beating myself up because of the amount of things I've had to cancel/reschedule/make special provisions for because of this hospitalisation. I'm at the 'pull yourself together and snap the f**k out of it' stage that I go through - again with the being my own worst nightmare.

Doctors won't give me a straight answer about when I can go home, but oh well. If I keep putting on my 'I'm doing OK' mask they'll hopefully let me go soon. Life doesn't stop just cause I've dropped the ball, and I don't want to get too far behind.

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Comments from the community:

Hey babz..
I think Im in a similar situation to you. Ive been in and out of hospital over the last 18 months and have been diagnosed with Borderline and Bipolar. I fuly understand how your feeling and what your going through. I too find it really hard when I go out on day leave, and sometimes I wonder about whether PRN's are used it the right way. It seems that whenever something happens like having a head that wont stop racing, or coming back from day leave really freaked out the way they treat it is keep giving you PRN's until your so sedated that you cant do much at all. Yes, i agree that sometimes they are needed and sometimes they help, but sometimes, i think we have to work through the issue without needing extra meds. So I agree with you on that!
Im really glad that you were able to speak to the right person where you study and that some of the work can be sorted out because you have been unwell. It will definately take a weight off your shoulders and give you some extra time to get better. Special consideration is there to be used and I think you've done the right thing..use everything you can that will help get you through this crappy time.
Anyway, I hope you start to feel better soon..
Take care of yourself..
Kato xo

Written by kato, 12. Jan 2008 12:07 PM

Babz

With regards to uni, make sure the student services are aware of your situation as they will take up your cause with the university staff, so you don't have to deal with them. Summer semester is always hard as it is short because of Christmas/New Year.

Know what you mean in hospital - can you get a tv? I stay in my room as I don't want others to know my story and this causes me to have problems when I get discharged - phobic even more than I was previously. Ask the doctor if you feel the need to have 30 minute checks so the nurses can talk to you each time they come in if you want to. The hospital I go to, allocate certain nurses and patients and they try to make a time during the day to touch base/see how you are going/coping with you admission, what you are doing to fill in your day and the like.

Let the doctors work their magic and let the meds kick in before worrying about going home. Your health is more important at this stage.

Go Babz!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 12. Jan 2008 01:14 PM

Dearest Babz,
You give yourself such a hard time honey :( . Hospital is scary as hell and yeah I don't get the wake you up at 7.30am thing either :/ But try to stay there so they can get you stable on meds and remeber that this will make everything more possible for you, means you will do much better at Uni this year, means life will be easier to live...so if you have to drop the ball for a while it's ok, because it means you'll be able to pick it up and keep playing better than ever before.
BIGGEST HUGS (hope this made sense - bloody Valium withdrawl)
A

Written by winterrain, 14. Jan 2008 02:57 PM

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