I'm not going to lose, I'm not!!
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 30. Dec 2007 07:17 PM
So I've turned from not getting out of bed for two days into the Energizer battery. I've cleaned the kitchen, mopped the floors, vacuumed the other floors, tidied my room, scrubbed the bathroom, done the dishes, done the shopping, walked the dog, run on the treadmill, and well I think you get the picture. It is a welcome relief, but would be much more welcome if I was able to be productive and actually think clearly, but I can't. I put the dishes in the washing machine, tried to clean the shower with dish-washing detergent and mopped the floors with the generic version of Mr. Sheen (I've fallen over so many damn times it's not funny any more).
Needless to say, the caffeinated hyperactive monkey in my brain is back and so are his friends. I've run out of 4. My psycvalium given that seems to be the CAT team's solution to everything so they bought me more around today. I'm still hyper, but at least I'm only hypomanic instead of full blown manic.
I have decided to not go into hospital. Not at the moment anyway. There are a number of reasons some selfish, some selfless:
1. The wedding and rehearsal/preparations/etc. (duh) which I really do not want to miss as this is a special time for Mum and Richard,
2. My barista course is next week and I am really looking forward to that and do not want to miss that either,
3. I've spent the last 2 NYEs in hospital, I'm not going to go for the hat trick,
4. I have a few parties coming up in the next few days and I have hidden from my friends long enough. I can't complain about them not making any effort if I refuse to make one myself,
5. My psychiatrist has a 'no admission' rule. Even though he is on leave, he would still kick my ass,
6. My psychologist is back on Friday, my Psychiatrist on Wednesday and I think just knowing they are there will make it easier to cope,
6. Admission won't even serve a purpose because I wouldn't be at the hospital where my psychiatrist works, so any medication changes etc. would be pointless because he will reassess them when he comes back from leave,
7. The Valium seems to have stabilised me enough to cope in the community with CAT's assistance, and
8. (this is the most important reason) I have worked too damn hard to get my life back on track, and I have come to realise that whilst my distress is very real, it is partly my illness sabotaging me because I am beginning to get better. I feel like absolute hell and I want to give up, but I am not going to give into this self-destructive part of me, because I deserve so much more.
Even though I can't see it or believe it now, I know that one day I will be well, and I will not recognise the sadness and despair of the person writing these entries.
I have also decided I am not going to withdraw from my Summer Semester subject (tomorrow is the last day to withdraw without penalty), because after the wedding is over I will have very little to occupy my time with as I still have no job.
I spoke to the lecturer, and he is MUCH more understanding than my one last semester and he is prepared to give me extra help and extensions. I feel that if I can stick it out then I will finally have belief in my own strength and coping skills, and that is something that I desperately need right now.
P.S. Alan, your comment didn't offend me in the slightest - no need to apologise.