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I don't know why

A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 15. Jul 2008 04:35 PM

My Mum is in Europe with my stepdad at the moment, she has been gone for two weeks and will be gone for about another two weeks. As much as it surprises me to say this, I'm finding it really hard going without her here. The longest I've ever been away from her is 3 weeks, when I was in Africa, and I was so busy that I didn't really have much of a chance to miss her. I do now.

I have had a bad few days, but I have managed to keep myself in one piece, and out of hospital which is a good thing. I know that this is just a period of adjustment of living in my own house, the surgery on my arm, and Mum being away. I know it will pass, eventually.

I am having a lot of trouble adjusting to my 'new' arm. I feel even more ashamed of the surgical scar than I did of my own. In a truly bizarre way, that I can't understand, I really miss my old self-harm scars. They told my stories, and as much as I hate those stories, I can't get rid of them, they are a part of my life. I feel lost without them, as if it wasn't just scars that he cut out, but a piece of me as well. I'm loathed to say it, but I feel as though I'm mourning for my scars. How twisted is that?!

It hurts to look at the new scar, because of what I know it represents. Even if it works and other people don't see it as an area where I self harmed, I know. I will always know, and I am really struggling with that at the moment. It hurts to look at the new scar because it symbolises the lengths I had to go to to try and heal what I did to myself in the first place. I don't know why this procedure has knocked me around so much, I was doing OK before I had it done and now I feel like I'm falling apart.

I get my uni results on Thursday, and new semester starts next week, so I have been using that to keep me going, so I have a sense of purpose, because Maple is right in that I always struggle during holidays. I am doing everything I can, I am trying my hardest but I just don't seem able to stop crying, and I don't know why. I don't know why I feel so sad, so empty, so alone and worthless. Times like this I wish I had a shoulder to cry on, a computer screen is cold comfort.

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Comments from the community:

Hi babz,

Thanks for your comment on my diary entry. I totally understand how you would in some ways miss your old scars, I stare at mine every morning with such a mixture of emotions. I think it's easier to accept the self harm scars now that it is winter, but when summer comes around you may find yourself happy that you had the procedure!

Take care,

Karen

Written by fly, 15. Jul 2008 06:30 PM

Babz

I wanted to talk to you about your surgery and your reaction to it... since you got the bandages off you have been saying how bad you feel... I just wondered if part of the problem with the new surgery is that it is the lie... pretending to be something it is not... you know it is covering your old self harm scars but you want others to think it is a scar from an accident ... this is a lie... you know it is a lie... and that is what is wrong with you and the scar...

Did you think you could deliberately lie to others? Your own honesty would not allow you to do that... it is hard to live with a deliberate lie...

That is just my take on this... I hope I have not upset you with this ...

I read about your struggle Babz with self harm and depression... now you are struggling with your conscience ... please be honest if anyone ever asks about the scar... if they don't ask... don't tell...

take care

rgds
cate

Written by cateblack, 15. Jul 2008 08:23 PM

Thanks for your comment Cate, you hit the nail on the head, and I knew it before you even wrote it. I didn't think I would have to lie about it, I feel as if I was duped somewhat by my surgeon (and by myself) into thinking that nobody would ask about it. This is because it was painted to me as a fairly minor procedure, not the major one it actually was. I thought I would be able to live with it, because I didn't think I would have to lie to other people. I think maybe I even believed that I would be fooled into thinking it was from an accident. I underestimated myself in thinking that. You're right, the scar is a lie, but not only is it a lie, it is a lie that is hiding a multitude of lies. A bad situation has been made even worse, unfortunately.

Written by babz, 15. Jul 2008 09:27 PM

I cant give this post the respect it deserves via my phone. I'll send you a text, feel free to copy it onto here if you feel others will benefit from it...

Written by Gyps, 15. Jul 2008 09:44 PM

Gyps' sms reply:
"Yr scar is a lie...... its only a lie if u actually tell ppl u got it from getting a plate put in yr arm... Otherwise ppl'll form their own thorts... if they think wrong its not a lie, not if u didn't actually say anything. It was a procedure designed 2 make yr life easier, 2 avoid the stigma & judgement of others. Just like the little girl born with no ear who got a plastic 1 made, it wasnt a LIE coz it wasn't real, it was just sumthin 2 help her fit in beta with society without feeling & BEING stigmatised. Th reason yr mourning yr scars is coz of wot they represented- SOOO many times Uve referred 2 them as yr "battle scars"-they were a sign of how damn hard Uve fought & how far Uve come. Almost like a badge of honour... In a way almost sumthin 2 b proud of as they represented how low Ud sunk yet yr still here, yr a SURVIVOR! Now that the scars r gone wots left 2 show th lengths u went 2 2 survive, th depth of yr struggle? Yr scars were a physical symbol of yr failures & successes all rolled in2 1 - they were sumthin 2 remind u no matter how low u sink there's always a way 2 claw yr way bac 2 the top. They were a sign of yr victory in beating selfharm & all yr past suicidal thorts. Wot u need 2 do is replace the physical, visual symbol of yr battle thru depression with sumthin else & I know just exactly wot u need..."

My thougts:
I was thinking something similar after I replied to cate. They WERE my battle scars, they all told a unique and painful story about what I suffered through. People could see that, they could see how much shit I was wading through. Now I don't have the physical scars, so nobody can see it, but it's still in my head. Now nobody can see it anymore I have tricked myself into believing it isn't there or at least shouldn't be. I have invalidated my pain, now it is as if there is nothing wrong. But there is, and once again nobody can see it. I feel like I am back at the beginning of when all this started, of when I was trying to figure out some way to scream out and tell someone how much pain I'm in. I feel alone and I feel helpless. That's why I'm falling apart.

Written by babz, 15. Jul 2008 11:10 PM

Doesn't that scar represent a genuine attempt to move forward? And just say, if anyone asks, skating accident, it's not something you are required to be honest about in life. It's your business only.

Written by maple, 16. Jul 2008 04:57 PM

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