My lightbulb philosophising
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 12. Jul 2008 01:44 AM
So I had a bit of a crap week, but I'm trying not to let it get me down. I had a skating-related set back late last week and it got to me a lot. I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff just about ready to fall off, except falling off wasn't an option. So I climbed down a bit and jumped off the garage roof instead (not literally, I'm not that stupid). Haha. I just kept myself in a haze in bed from Sunday night until Wednesday afternoon surfacing a few times to look after the pets and read diaries/watch TV. I was so utterly exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually I think it was what I needed. Yes, my methods weren't great but it was the only way I knew how to get the break I needed without ending up in a hospital. Initially I was pretty sick (that's what I get for messing with the meds), but I'm alright now, and oh-so-philosophical about the whole thing.
I feel so let down by my coach. I knew we couldn't go to nationals because somebody quit, but we were still eligible for state titles. After all my injury time off and clawing my way back into the team despite all the stupid politics and crap that goes on I really needed that to feel competent, and nothing is quite as ego inflating as a gold medal (which we would have got by default, but that's irrelevant). Got sent a text message on Saturday saying we're not going to state titles. That's like the equivalent of your spouse sending you a text message saying they want a divorce.
Yesterday I returned to skating after my surgery. My self confidence was so shattered I spent the first hour and forty five minutes sitting there, freezing my ass off, with my skates on but physically unable to get on the ice for more than 30 seconds. I began to question whether it is time for me to hang up my skates, but my losses and walk away. I was quite upset, and the matter wasn't made much better by my old coach who STILL manages to make me feel about two inches tall. I did eventually get on the ice, for about an hour. It was horrid - my blades were blunt, the ice wasn't cut right, I couldn't straighten my arm which made things extremely difficult. I enjoyed seeing my friends though, and we had a massive skating-related bitch session which was very therapeutic.
Today I am still pondering over whether or not I should hang up my skates. I told my DBT therapist about all of this, and he said something to me about how elite athletes just know when its time to go, how they can just feel it. I don't feel it yet. Maybe its just time to hang them up for a while, to give my body and my mind a chance to heal. After all, I've just had one surgery, I've got this stupid knee injury, but my heart and my head could do with a little time to heal as well. This process of recovery has shaken my world up so much, lead to so much soul searching and change. Skating is one of the few things that hasn't been touched by this reformation, because the two worlds are so mutually exclusive. Maybe time off until the soul searching is done would be a good thing - then the healthy me can decide if there's a place for skating in my life. This decision seems to sit well with me, since I wrote this paragraph, something in me just changed and I know it is right - that calmness that comes only when you truly feel something is right is wafting blissfully around my study.
I'm suddenly so calm, so happy, and so excited to be alive. I think that is the mark of a hard decision being made, that should have been made so long ago. Now, before I make myself (or any of you) sick on my present sugary-sweetness, I am going to go and sleep or something.