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When all you can do is nothing

A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 8. Jul 2008 02:20 PM

I am stuck in a really massive rut. To be perfectly honest, I don't have the energy to really care if I get out or not. Today is one of those days where walking from my bedroom to the couch (about 10 metres) might as well be a marathon. And the tears have staged a massive reappearance, but I can't muster the energy to be annoyed about it. Yesterday I spent 4/5 of the day asleep, only surfacing after 4pm to reply to some diaries and watch TV. Everything else just seems too hard, I can't be bothered.

Thinking about it, it seems such a waste. How many days have I wasted merely existing because of my mental illness? It hurts me that my response at the moment is 'not enough'. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when things are better. But I'm not naive enough to believe in fairytales.

I'm ashamed that I have fallen back into my old methods of coping. I know they aren't helpful in the long run, but it is so much easier than fighting. Fighting is so hard, why does the right path always have to be the friggin hardest? Why can't something that is right just happen? I'm tired, so damn tired.

I wonder where I went wrong. What is the moment that turned the girl with such a zest for life into the one who merely exists? Where did I go wrong? Where did all of us go wrong?

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Comments from the community:

hi babz
I'm sorry things are bad for you; I know the feelings. Let's hope tomorrow is brighter.
Peter

Written by surfer, 8. Jul 2008 02:29 PM

Hey, I know I annoy you. But a reminder..you always get this way in Uni breaks, somehow a balance needs to be found, send it my way when you find it.
Regards.

Written by maple, 8. Jul 2008 02:32 PM

Babz

I know the feeling as well and can relate to this diary so much. If maple is right and it happens on the uni holidays, you need to find somethings to do to get you out and about and out of the rut. Skating should be your motivation but when you are in just a bad rut like this/I am, it is hard to do anything, except just live/survive.

Hope it doesn't last too long for you.

Go Babz!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 8. Jul 2008 05:33 PM

Some times its just too hard Babz. Sometimes we just need to revert to our beds, couches whatever. Your strength will return, it has served you well. You may not see it this way right now but you will get strength back.

Heres hoping for a better day tomorrow or the next day or the next or the next day or the nextor the next day or the nextor the next day or the nextor the next day or the nextor the next day or the nextor the next day or the next
It will come!

Warmest wishes

Liz\
XXX

Written by keller, 8. Jul 2008 07:57 PM

Babz

Hun, I thank you for your supportive diary entry about my hospital stay/change of medications. I took to SSRI's before the wedding and you are not meant to do that and the psychiatrist was not happy as another doctor prescribed it so I do understand what you mean by worst case scenario.

Thanks for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. Nice to have supportive comments.

Go Babz!!!

Mrs Studying1

PS Hun, hope you are overcoming your rut and that things are looking on the up for you.

Written by studying1, 11. Jul 2008 08:42 PM

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