My mental health paradox
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 7. Jul 2008 02:10 AM
I'm in one of those lovely phases where I spend most of the time crying when nothing is actually wrong. Sure there are things I would happily change - anyone who says there aren't is delusional - but nothing is particularly bad. But I still keep crying. Times like this I am very grateful that I am stubborn, because there is nothing more terrifying to me than cancelling a commitment. The only step between me and a holiday to the local ICU is the fact that I have something that has to be done the next day. I keep hoping that if I just keep doing this, just keep on keeping on, that one day I'll wake up and won't have to because everything will be OK again.
I think that this makes me the delusional one. I can't expect for my life to change if I do nothing to change it. "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you always got". I like to think of myself as a kind human being, compassionate to others, but I am the first to admit that there is one set of rules for how to treat others and another for how to treat myself. I am more than halfway through my DBT course, and I have spent much of the time scoffing (whether aware of it or not) at the airy-fairyness of it. In my session on Friday I half cried, half yelled at my therapist that 'you don't get anywhere by telling people how you feel, you get somewhere by putting up, shutting up and getting on with it'.
Academically, I know the skills, I have been to the sessions, I have done my homework and I have listened in group. Personally, I have made no changes in my life, because I can't bring myself to believe that I deserve it. This is where the same stubbornness that keeps me safe day to day becomes problematic. I have it so entrenched in my mind that this is how I deserve to be treated, that I can't cut myself a break.
I question whether I can get better. To do so means letting go of that stubborn belief that my needs come last to everything else so that I can accept the DBT skills and make the changes I need in my life. However, DBT is a lengthy process as is any process of change. I can't expect it to happen overnight. I fear that if I let go of this stubbornness, that in the months of change I will have lost the obstinance to force me to get to the next training, lecture, appointment, whatever.
If I make the leap of faith that I know I need to to make this change, what will be keeping me here on the days like this when everything seems so wrong? What will be the critical, unwavering obstacle between me and that ICU? It seems an almost comedic position to be in - so afraid of the thing I most desire. I feel stuck in this ridiculous position of being kept alive by the thing that's making life a struggle in the first place. It's so stupid it's funny. Did I mention that I've been thinking way too much lately? Well, I have been.