The Big Reveal
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 2. Jul 2008 11:07 PM
I got the bandages off my arm yesterday and so I finally got to see the results of the surgery. It took forever to 'demummify' me - cutting the bandages off, then cutting off the layers of cotton wool padding, then peeling off the layers of gauze, then removing all the steri-strips. Whole process took quite a while and all the dried blood was quite disgusting. I was quite shocked to see how utterly revolting the wound was, I'm not sure why, it's not like I was expecting it to be pretty, but I hadn't really prepared myself for it. The wound itself is not bad, it is healing well and there is no infection, it is the method used to prevent scarring that make the situation look worse than it is. The surgeon used dissolvable stitches underneath the skin, so I won't have any stitch mark scars, just the surgical one. This means that the skin is all puckered and raised and just generally not appealing. Surgeon assured me that once the stitches eventually dissolve the skin will smooth out.
Whilst the wound itself was medically fine, it shocked me a great deal. I had in my mind pictured a neat, straight incision running my forearm, but because of the way he cut the skin out it is rather the opposite - it left me wondering whether people would believe that I had a surgical plate put in my arm (this is the look he was aiming for. He couldn't get rid of the scars, so he wanted to reshape them in a destigmatising way). I was pretty freaked out and just wanted to cry out of a mixture of relief, revulsion, shock and other things.
I got down to the car and realised that I was actually mourning for my old scars. I feel a bit as if I have lost a part of myself. I'm the first to admit how much I hated those scars, and that I had reached the point that I couldn't stand to look at them, but they told some of my stories. I also feel a bit disappointed in myself at having plastic surgery - partly because of the label 'plastic surgery' (it leaves images of blonde bimbos with huge fake boobs and so much botox they can't talk), partly because I feel ashamed at the fact that I had to have such a procedure done. Kind of like I took the easy way out getting them removed like I did. I know that there is no shame in plastic surgery, a lot of it is reconstructive as opposed to cosmetic, but I can't shake my feelings of disappointment.
I think these feelings will fade overtime, but I will definitely have a period of adjustment, getting use to my new body. After all, my arm was dramatically altered in a matter of an hour, which to me didn't happen because I was under anaesthetic. It's like I blinked and had a completely changed arm.I think I am still glad I did it, I think I needed to do it, for myself, to give myself permission to heal. The right decision isn't always the easy one though.